


Time Makes You Bolder (Children Get Older)

by SevenSoulmates



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, Memory Loss, Mostly Canon Compliant, Old Age, aka Buck Begins Again and Again and Again, all main characters are referenced but not all are alive in present, character deaths implied in the past, fair warning: I did cry throughout writing pretty much every scene, no character deaths are featured in detail, old folks home, there's a lot of crying in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:55:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24298453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevenSoulmates/pseuds/SevenSoulmates
Summary: There’s a new resident moving into the suite across from Buck’s.“What’s his name?” Buck asks.“Eddie Diaz,” Nurse Corra tells him.“Hey, you know Eddie is also a retired firefighter."Eddie Diaz, new recruit,a voice echoes in his mind.“Huh.” Buck says. "Never heard of him."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 166
Kudos: 371





	Time Makes You Bolder (Children Get Older)

**Author's Note:**

> Can't believe I wrote a 26k fic for these two. The show has way too many foreshadowing hints that I just couldn't NOT write a fic set way way way in the future to show how their lives actually turn out. Also I'd be lying if I didn't say this wasn't heavily inspired by the events in The One That Got Away. Buck's pain just...breaks me. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm not kidding that this is kind of an emotional fic, so I would recommend having tissues with you or at least be in a headspace where you can cry all you want. 
> 
> Enjoy! Comments appreciated!

“Alright, Mr. Buckley, here’s your medicine.” Corra sets down a small dixie cup with several pills inside. She gets a sly smile on her face and plucks two pudding cups out of her front pockets and places them on the table right beside his medicine. “And this is for good behavior.”

“Hey,” Buck grumbles with a laugh, “I’ll have you know I never went to jail!”

“You sure?” Corra sasses. “With all those daring rescues and reckless jumping into everyone’s business, you never got yourself thrown in the slammer?”

“Of course not.” Buck gives her a smoulder. “I was a good boy, Corra, you know this.” He winks. She giggles, swatting lightly at his shoulder. 

“You’re one cheeky old man,” she laughs. “Take your medicine. I’ll be back in half an hour to check in on you.”

Corra leaves just a moment after and Buck settles into his favorite reclining chair. “Who knew old age would put me right back where I started--stuck with a god damn baby sitter.”

Still, Buck threw back his pills and downed it with some water. He then took the pudding cups and ate those in silence. He never actually minded baby-sitters, at least when he was the one baby-sitting, not the other way around. Kids reminded him of himself. The way they didn’t give a shit about the consequences, but were just looking for the next fun thing. Kids didn’t give a shit what they could and couldn’t do, they wanted to do it all, and they would if ya let ‘em. That’s what Buck liked the most about watching the young ones. He liked children’s day best. When all the residents would have their grandkids roaming about and playing like they had no idea where they were in the world. Kids didn’t act like old people were fragile. They just wanted to play.

Buck never had any kids of his own, let alone grandchildren. But still he liked to watch on children’s day as they all played together. Those just beginning life and those getting ready to leave it.

Buck didn’t feel old. He still had a decent amount of muscle on him. He could bench his weight still if these nurse aids would just let him go to an actual gym.

Sometimes he hates it here. In this home. It wasn’t his home. Not like the 118 had been. He missed his old captain...could barely remember his name anymore. But he remembered his face. The way he had shook his head in disappointment when Buck didn’t live up to his potential--stealing trucks and sneaking onto roofs with random women. Buck remembered the way his captain looked at him when he did a good job. When he made the impossible rescue. When he kept on fighting and succeeded. 

He remembered his old teammates too. They were some of the best goddamn friends he ever had in his life. He also couldn’t really remember much about how they looked, it had been some odd years since he’d seen them. Except Chimney. He remembered Chim. How could he forget his brother-in-law? Especially after Maddie died a few years back. He and Chim were all they had to remember her by. God, Buck missed Maddie every day. But she and Chim had lived a long and healthy life. They had babies and Buck had come the closest he ever got to being a parent. He had one niece and one nephew--Carly and Kevin. 

Kevin had three kids and Carly had two and sometimes when they weren’t busy they’d all come and visit. More often Buck got to see the grandbabies on the far between days when he was allowed to leave the home and visit Chim and the family. Jeez, now that Buck thought about it, how long had it been since he’d seen Chim and the kids? Had to have been at least a couple of months. How old was Carly’s youngest now--10? Yeah, that sounded about right. 

Buck shook his head. He wanted to go visit Chim. Visiting Chim always helped him remember things. It was like every time he and Chim spoke, he remembered something about the 118. Like that Cap’s favorite dish to make was baked spaghetti squash. Or that Hen--HEN! Fuck, Henrietta goddamn Wilson the Queen of the 118--liked to play R&B classics over the bluetooth speaker in between calls. He remembers when he told her he had never heard of most of the people she spoke of and she sat his ass down and forced him to listen to all of the classics. They were still some of his favorites to this day. 

He looked around for his mp3 player. Couldn’t find it. Oh well, he’d ask Corra to find it for him when she came back.

Buck finished his pudding cup. Not knowing what else to do with himself, Buck glanced at the clock. About 8:30. Surely something was playing on TV. He got into bed and flicked on the box hanging on the wall. One of those old terminator movies was playing. He stuck with that channel, knowing if Chim was here, he’d force Buck and Maddie to watch it with him.  _ Watch and educate yourselves you poor uncultured children _ , Chim told them once. Maddie had been rightfully offended and Buck laughed the whole time they stuck to their childish argument with no real heat. He knew because the side of Maddie’s mouth was always quirked up, and the crow’s feet around her eyes never flattened. Chim made her happy. And Buck loves her happy. He’d have to stop by their house soon, maybe watch Terminator again and make it a party.

Nurse Corra came back in, seeing him sat in bed with the covers tucked up, head resting on the crook of his arm. 

“You’re gonna get a cramp that way.”

“I survived way worse than a cramp ever could be.”

Corra takes his tray away, checking to make sure he had all he needed for the night before wishing him sweet dreams and leaving.

Buck fell asleep half an hour into the movie. He dreamed of pulling a live grenade out of an old man’s leg. And when he woke up, he was fairly certain he was just dreaming of the terminator movie.

*

Buck, to put it lightly, was fucking bored. All there was to do in this stupid place, was sit around, play chess, watch TV, read a book. They wouldn’t let him go to the gym, or do any strenuous exercise like running or kicking a ball around. So most of the time Buck spent his days walking around the lush greenery surrounding the home. That, or googling shit. 

Every day he asked Corra to give him a new topic. Any topic. Ranging all the way from how astronauts grow plants on mars to silly questions like are dogs  _ aware _ they’re dogs? And Buck would google it. He’d spend hours on the internet, reading article after article, and at the end of the day, he’d tell Corra all that he’d learned, and she would sit there with him and listen and ask more questions until Buck expended all the knowledge he’d learned that day. He wrote down every new topic in a notebook, so he wouldn’t forget. At the end of the week, he’d go back through his notes and try and recall as much information as he could. Corra called it a great brain exercise. Buck called it his only way of staying connected to the outside world. 

Like how the fuck was Kim Kardashian still a thing? It had been literal decades and she was still all over the internet. Apparently tomorrow was the 15th anniversary of Donald Trump’s death and it was trending on every platform Buck was on. Which wasn’t much to be fair, he liked to lurk more than interact. 

Today’s topic was an interesting one. Corra asked him if someone could surf a tsunami. 

That one stumped him the second she asked. He didn’t know why, but something about this topic made him feel uncomfortable. Made his fingers tingle and goose flesh rise on his arms. He must’ve looked bad, because Corra was by his side in a second, checking if his breathing and heart rate. It was then Buck realized that she had been talking to him and he hadn’t heard a word she had said. He hadn’t realized he’d been shaking. That his eyes were blinking so rapidly he didn’t have time to notice tears falling from them.

Buck had to get out of here. He couldn’t sit by and do nothing while all those people drowned. He had to, okay? It was his job. Buck had to find him, he had to get back in the water and find him, he had to-- 

“Mr. Buckley? Buck? Evan!” Corra called out, and somehow Buck snapped out of it. A couple of lingering tears fell but he stopped shaking. 

He swallows. “No one calls me Evan unless I’m in trouble.”

Corra sighs in relief. “You scared me for a second. I thought I would have to call for the doctors.”

Buck is suddenly the most exhausted he’s ever been in his life. He’d felt like he’d been drained of all his blood. Worse than that, actually, it felt like it was draining into his stomach, pushing up his throat.

He took the glass of water from Corra and downed it, the taste of salt water washing away.

“I…” Buck stands from his chair and makes his way towards his bed. “If you don’t mind, darling, I’m going to take a nap now. I’ll--I’ll find out the information about. About tsunamis a little later.”

Corra nods, helping him into bed and telling him she was going to be back in ten minutes to check on him and for him to just rest.

Buck tried. The second he shut his eyes, he remembered water. Just...so much water. Water everywhere. Filling his lungs. Buck had to find him. Water dragging him. Where did he go? Buck didn’t know which way was up or down. Find him. Save him. Where did all the water go?

Buck’s eyes snap open and he’s still trapped under the water. Corra shakes him awake. 

“Buck, Buck wake up, you’re all right, it was just a nightmare.” 

Buck cries like he’s never cried before in his life. Corra holds his hand. She doesn’t try to hug him or push him any further. She just lets him cry, and Buck wishes Maddie was here. He wishes Maddie was here to soothe away his nightmares like she used to when they were kids. He almost asks Corra to call Maddie, when she asks him.

“Who’s Christopher?”

Buck stops short. “What?” 

“Christopher.” Corra repeats. “I could hear you from down the hall. You were calling out that name. Christopher. You didn’t stop until I woke you up just now.”

Buck blinks away confused tears. His brow furrows. “Christopher?” he asks. The name sounds familiar. It’s right there on his tongue like it belonged there.

Corra nods. “Yes. Was he someone you knew?”

There’s something there. Lingering in the back of Buck’s mind. It’s right there, so easily within his grasp but he can’t seem to reach it. His fingertips scrape at it, trying to pull it forward, but all that does is push the thought further away. Within seconds it’s completely gone. 

He shakes his head. “I don’t know anyone named Christopher.”

*

There’s a new resident moving into the suite across from Buck’s. Corra was a bit late coming in to give him his morning pills and when Buck asked why she was late--she was  _ never  _ late--she told him there was a new resident moving in next door, and it took some time to get him settled in.

“What’s his name?” Buck asks.

“Eddie Diaz,” she tells him.

_ Eddie Diaz, new recruit.  _ A voice echoes in his mind. 

“Huh.” Buck says.

“Hey, you know Eddie is also a retired firefighter,” Corra tells him enthusiastically. “Maybe you guys can hang out and talk about that.”

Buck rolls his eyes. “Just because we’re both firefighters doesn’t automatically mean we’re going to be friends.”

“Yeah,” Corra says. “But you never know unless you talk to him. I’m escorting him to dinner tonight. I’ll introduce you.”

Buck shakes his head, listening to her tell him of how this Eddie Diaz was such a sweetheart and handsome too. Buck rolled his eyes. He was supposed to be the most handsome resident. He may be older than a sack of shit, but he was a hot sack of shit and he knew it. A downright silver fox. Who was this Eddie Diaz, swooping in, taking over Buck’s spot as Corra’s favorite resident? Nuh uh. Buck already decided he didn’t like this Eddie guy, firefighter loyalty be damned.

*

Dinner was lackluster compared to some of the kick ass meals his captain used to make back at the station. Hell, Buck could make a better meal than this after all the lessons Cap gave him.

His cane was leaning against the table, and when a chair was pulled out and someone sat down in the seat next to him, Buck almost called the guy out. Like have a little common courtesy. But before Buck could grouse and pick it up himself, said perpetrator bent over and picked it up for him, leaning it more securely against Buck’s chair, before looking back up to look at him.

Oh holy shit.

Forget Buck being a silver fox, this man was a fucking silver  _ lion _ . He had a short crop of hair, a bit longer in the bangs, and shimmering brown eyes. His skin was tan and somehow had less wrinkles even though he looked around the same age if not even a little older than Buck himself? How was that even possible.

He wasn’t broad like Buck had been. Hell, as much as he’d hate to admit it, Buck slimmed down a lot once he retired, and even more since being admitted here. But this man still looked built. Like he regularly went to the gym. And Buck  _ envied _ . Oh fuck did he envy. He envied this man’s physique and at the same time, he wanted to invite him back to his room for a little Buck 1.0 action.

In the back of his head a song was playing. It was one of those songs from the 90s Buck had never heard of before a firefighter on his team introduced him.

The man looked into Buck’s eyes and smiled. “Hi, I’m Eddie.”

_ Whatta man whatta man whatta man whatta mighty good man _

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“Buck!” Buck shouted, way too loud that even the residences with hearing aids (which was most of them) could hear. “My name. Hah. It’s Buck. Hi.”

Eddie smiled even brighter.  _ Hooooly shit he has sharp canine teeth _ . “I know. Corra told me about you.”

“Corra? What--” it hit Buck then. Eddie. This was Eddie Diaz. The Eddie Diaz that Corra said was more handsome and more sweet and a much better resident than Buck.

God damn it. It was all true and Buck was  _ fuming _ .

“She mentioned you worked for the LAFD?” Eddie continues. Completely oblivious to Buck’s internal battle. “I’m from Texas myself. El Paso.”

Buck shook his head, trying to expel all the  _ oh no he’s hot  _ thoughts from his mind, only to focus on the  _ who does this fucker think he is  _ thoughts. “Uh yeah. LAFD. Firefighter for 15 years and captain for 12.”

Eddie whistles low. “That’s a hell of a record man.” 

“Yeah, well. It was my job. And I loved it, so. There was no point in ever leaving, I guess,” Buck says, avoiding Eddie’s warm gaze on him and instead shoveling underwhelming food into his mouth.

Eddie makes a pleasant humming sound, agreeing with Buck. Buck sneaks several glances at the man, but he’s taken a bite of his own food and grimaces.

“This is…”

“It sucks,” Buck says bluntly.

“Tell me about it. We’re paying all this money and they couldn’t even get decent chefs?” Buck complains. “I worked in a firehouse for damn near 30 years and my guys made better meals than this.  _ I  _ could make better than this.”

Eddie laughs. Buck tries not to smile at it.

“You’ll have to show me some time,” Eddie says, looking up at him. Buck blinks rapidly.

“Uh. Yeah. Maybe.”

A nurse comes over to Eddie in that moment and brings him some medicine in a cup to take with his food. He thanks her kindly, calling her by name (Buck couldn’t even remember her name at that moment). She touches his forearm and giggles and tells him to call for her if he needs anything at all.

Buck scoffs and rolls his eyes, looking away. Eddie’s eyes snap back to his face, taking in Buck’s rigid demeanor. Eddie raises a barely concealed amused eyebrow.

“Is there a problem?” he asks, almost gently. It riles Buck up even more.

_ You’re my problem. _

“No problem at all,” Buck says. But he quickly finishes his meal, grabs his cane and walks away, leaving Eddie’s eyes to trail after him until he was completely out of sight. 

*

Buck is sitting in the rec room, typing away on his laptop. Corra was hesitant to ask him any more questions for him to google, but Buck had insisted. Even though the tsunami question still stuck with Buck in his chest and hadn’t totally gone away, it was still the best part of his day, researching. If he couldn’t exercise his muscles, he wanted to at least exercise his brain. 

The topic today was what drug gives you the best high. Now that was an objective question, but those were always the best. The open ended questions with no real right answer, just a lot of different interpretations.

Buck had been sitting at the computer for hours, glasses slipping off his nose as he typed away. He wrote down notes in his notebook every now and then if he found something particularly worth remembering.

Someone sits down at the table opposite him. Eddie Diaz, Buck sees, looking up. Eddie smiles, and Buck almost smiles back before he remembers this is supposed to be his rival.

“Whatcha doing?” Eddie asks, gesturing at the laptop in front of Buck.

“Looking at porn,” Buck answers immediately. 

Eddie throws his head back and belly laughs and Buck really  _ really  _ has to strain to not smile at him. God damn it.

“What are you  _ really _ doing?” Eddie asks once he’s finally calmed down, and all the other nosy residents have gone back to minding their own business.

Buck bites his lip but then makes up his mind to answer and says, “researching.”

Eddie puts his elbows on the table, cupping his cheeks with his hands like he finds everything Buck says fascinating and says. “What about?”

Buck shifts in his seat. He’s not really ever talked about any of the topics he researches with anyone other than Corra. He used to like to tell his random facts to his team and to his sister all the time. Most of the time they didn’t pay attention. But his sister and his best friend always did. And Corra did. He liked Corra a lot.

Buck was torn. Should he let this Eddie Diaz in, or should he keep him locked out.

“I’m researching which drug gives you the best high.”

Eddie shudders. “ _ Not  _ LSD.”

Buck lets out a surprised laugh. “Got a lot of experience?”

Eddie waves his arm. “No man, once was  _ enough _ .”

“Sounds like you have a story there,” Buck prods.

Eddie shakes his head, but he smiles fondly. “My team,” he says, “we got sent brownies laced with LSD once.”

Buck shakes his head. “Rookie move. When I was captain, we never let the team eat anything sent to us by strangers.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Yeah, well we learned our lesson the hard way. We ate them and then went on a call right after. It was probably the most strange experience of my life. I swear, I remember  _ tasting  _ God and balloons and hearing pollen. And crying,” he laughs. “My best friend never let me live that one down. Seriously, for years if anything made me react in even a remotely emotional way, he’d look at me and say  _ ooh you made him cryyy _ !”

Despite what should’ve been a story that annoyed Eddie, he looked serene re-telling Buck this story. 

Eddie snorts, “Thing is, whenever I actually did cry in front of him, which took me years to do even with a shit ton of therapy, he never said it then.” Eddie’s brow furrows, his voice trailing off and his eyes far away like he’s lost in a memory. Buck couldn’t fault him for that. It happened to him more times than he could count. Getting lost in his memories about his team. His first team, the one he’d stayed with for a whole decade, as well as the team he managed as captain. His team was wide and spanned years and even if he couldn’t always recall everyone’s names at the drop of a hat or where they were now, he still remembered how they all made him feel. They were his family. More than his parents had ever been. His team and Maddie were his family and he was more than okay with that. Even if he rarely saw any of them these days. The ones who were still alive at least. God, he missed Maddie.

Buck blinks and zones back in to find Eddie staring at him. Neither of them say anything for a moment. 

“So definitely not LSD then,” Buck says after a moment. Eddie chuckles.

“No. Definitely not LSD.”

*

  
  


Buck likes to take his walks twice a day. Once in the morning after breakfast and once right before he plans to settle in for the night.

Eddie emerges from his room right as Buck does and asks where he’s going. 

“Just on a walk. Get some exercise before bed. Tire myself out so I can sleep.”

Eddie nods, crossing his arms. “Mind if I come with?”

Buck flicks his cane out in front of him. “I’m not exactly the fastest walker.”

Eddie’s eyes flash, looking over Buck up and down like he sees something in him that no one else does.

“I think you can keep up,” Eddie says, his voice dipping a bit deeper in a way that makes Buck shiver. Man, how long has it been since Buck has had sex? A year? Two years? A decade? He doesn’t even remember the last time. It wasn’t exactly like he was feeling it much these days. 

But something about the way Eddie was looking at him made him feel 20 years younger, stirring for something hot and physical. 

“Yeah,” Buck’s voice cracks--fuck was he becoming a teenager again? Why was his pre-pubescent voice cracking making a comeback all of a sudden? He clears his throat. “Yes. Sure.”

Eddie follows alongside Buck until they’re outside the home, walking down the path in silence. It’s nice. Buck doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence. To make it feel less awkward, because it isn’t. It’s calm. The roaring that had been filling Buck’s chest for the past several weeks ever since Eddie got here--hell, actually since Corra asked him to research tsunamis-- starts to subside, just walking along quietly with Eddie by his side. It feels natural. Right. Wasn’t Buck just thinking of him as his rival the other day? Where had that gone?

“What was today’s topic?” Eddie asks. He’s been asking that a lot lately, and now Buck’s been sharing his research with Corra and with Eddie at the end of every day. 

Buck laughs. “You’re never going to believe this. Corra wanted to know how much wood could a woodchuck  _ actually  _ chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”

Eddie laughs and man Buck could listen to him laugh all day every day. Why does he get the feeling that it’s not something Eddie just lets himself do easily? Like Eddie has had to work hard throughout the course of his life to let his emotions shine through even in the lightest of situations. Since he got here Eddie had been nothing but open with Buck, but somehow Buck just  _ knows  _ that this man wasn’t always like that. There was something else underneath. Something hidden in the way Eddie smiles at him. Buck didn’t know what. Eddie just  _ looks  _ at him at times like he’s searching for something, like he’s found something and he’s just waiting for Buck to catch up. Buck wants to be in on the secret that is Eddie Diaz.

“Man, that sounds like something my granddaughter would ask,” Eddie says. Buck stops. This was the first time Eddie had ever mentioned kids. Or any family at all.

Eddie notices his pause and waits for Buck to catch up. “Granddaughter, huh?” Buck asks. He smiles, genuinely this time and not at all feeling jealous. “I love kids.”

Moonlight shimmers in Eddie’s eyes and he says directly to Buck’s face. “I love this one.”

Buck feels stuck. Struck dumb almost. “H-How many kids do you have?”

Eddie’s eyes finally pull away from Buck as he continues walking. Buck keeps his head facing Eddie, wanting to catch any and all facial expressions that he could from him.

“One son,” Eddie says, the biggest smile he’d ever seen on Eddie’s face appearing. “And he has one daughter. Her name is Evie. She’s named after her grandfather.”

“You?” Buck asks, confused. It might start with the same letter but definitely doesn’t sound like Eddie. “Or on the mother’s side?” 

Eddie shakes his head, biting his lip. He looks like he’s hesitant to say what he wants to say. Buck keeps quiet, waiting for Eddie to take his time.

“Uh, no actually. His wife didn’t really have a strong opinion on a name. My ex-wife, his mom...she died a long time ago when he was just a kid. She wasn’t really close with her father, and I--well, I wasn’t going to let my son name his daughter after  _ my  _ parents.”

Buck senses there’s yet another mystery behind that, but he still waits patiently for Eddie to get it all out. 

“Evie’s named after her other grandfather. My husband.”

Buck trips over his cane and nearly face plants if it wasn’t for Eddie catching him. “Woah, you okay?”

Buck quickly rights himself, putting distance between where Eddie’s soft hand burned into his skin. “Yeah. Fuck, sorry. Yeah, I’m fine. See this is why Corra doesn’t like me going on walks by myself. She’s afraid I’m going to break my hip and die or something, and no matter how many times I try to tell her I’m not that fragile, she never listens. But I guess there’s some merit to her worries. Husband, huh?”

Buck is out of breath. Eddie looks almost as shell shocked by his reaction as Buck had been.

“Yeah...husband,” Eddie says, slightly out of breath.

“That’s…” Buck stammers. “I mean...yeah, cool. He must’ve been stoked to have his granddaughter named after him. I know I would’ve liked that.”

Eddie looks pained. “Yeah.” He says like he regretted saying anything in the first place. “Yeah, he cried when Christopher told him that was her name.”

“Christopher?” Buck breathes, almost to himself but Eddie definitely heard. He whips towards him so fast, something expectant on his face. 

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, voice lifting.

“That’s…” Buck swallows. It’s just a coincidence. Christopher is a common name. “That’s a nice thing he did for your husband. With the name.”

And Buck doesn’t know what he said or did, but the look of utter disappointment on Eddie’s face makes him feel like a failure. He didn’t know what he did wrong, but he wants to wipe that look off Eddie’s face and replace it with that happy smile he’d gotten used to seeing. 

“I’d like to meet him,” Buck says, even though that is absolutely 100% a fucking lie. “Your husband I mean. Haven’t seen him come visit you yet.”

The crushed look on Eddie’s face hasn’t faded. “He can’t come visit. He, uh---” Eddie’s voice cracks and he looks on the verge of tears.

It dawns on Buck then and he feels like the biggest jackass on the entire planet. 

“Oh,” Buck whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m such a jackass. I didn’t mean--”

This actually gets Eddie to laugh, although wetly and not at all with the same joy he’d seen before. It breaks Buck’s heart, and somewhere deep in his soul, he realizes that one of his new sole purposes in life was to make sure he put a smile on Eddie’s face every day for as long as he was around. 

“It’s okay,” Eddie smiles, reaching out to Buck and taking his hand. Buck’s heart damn near beats out of his chest. But in a good way. A familiar way. He never wants Eddie to let go of his hand. Eddie continues, “Talking to you reminds me of him.”

It feels like a sucker punch to the gut. Buck wants so badly to be that person for Eddie (he’s realizing a lot of new things tonight that he didn’t know he was capable of and if he lingers on it for any longer he worries he just might have a breakdown), but at the same time, Buck doesn’t want to be a replacement.

Eddie must’ve seen the facial journey Buck just went on, that or he can read his mind, because he says. “You remind me of him, and yet you’re so different. I didn’t know I could like you for all the reasons you’re similar, and all the reasons you’re different too.”

It doesn’t make much sense to Buck. Eddie likes him because he’s like his dead husband, but he also likes him because he’s not like his dead husband?

Buck decides he doesn’t care. As long as he can remain at Eddie’s side, he doesn’t care what he is to Eddie. A dead husband replacement or something new, he’s willing to be whatever Eddie needs. Because maybe Eddie is someone Buck needs too. He doesn’t know why. But he just does.

Eddie is his person. He knows this intrinsically, but he can’t figure out how he managed to leap so far so quickly. And why it felt so right, to be standing outside holding Eddie’s hand and promising himself to stay by his side forever. 

The last unexpected realization Buck has of the night is that he is completely in love with Eddie Diaz, a man he just met a few weeks ago and he has absolutely no idea why he feels this way. 

And he’s fucking terrified. 

*

“Tell me about Christopher,” Buck asks one day, a few days later. They’re up late. Sitting in the rec room alone. All the other residents have gone back to their rooms by now. They had the TV on in the background but neither were really watching. 

Eddie turns to him, like he was waiting for Buck to ask. “What do you want to know?”

Buck shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t have any kids of my own. I babysat my niece and nephew a lot and their kids, but that was all...temporary. At the end of the day I went home and didn’t really have anyone.”

“No one?” Eddie asks, voice slightly more curious than before. “Not even a wife...or a husband?”

Buck didn’t react. “Nope. No one.”

Eddie is silent for a long moment. “Having kids of your own is scary as shit.”

Buck raises an eyebrow. He hadn’t expected the raw bluntness in Eddie’s voice.

Eddie continues, “After Christopher was born...I was so scared of being a father...of being a husband, I re-enlisted and was nearly killed in action.”

“Shit,” Buck hisses. “I didn’t know you were in the army.”

“I don’t talk about it a lot,” Eddie says. “Not even with my friends, or my team.”

“Not with your husband?” Buck asks.

Eddie sighs. “I wish I talked to him more about it. I wish I hadn’t kept it all in until I exploded. Whenever I reached those moments, of just white hot pure anger, he was always there to help me down. Help me see sense. Brought me back to the person I wanted to be. Not the person who was just so fucking angry about everything that I couldn’t even feel anything else.”

Buck listened silently, staring at Eddie. He had prominent frown lines. Buck wondered how many times he’d made that expression throughout his life. Probably enough they were eroded into his skin. It made Buck inexplicably sad.

“But you came back,” Buck says. Somehow he knew this. He knew Eddie came back. “You came back to your son.”

“Yeah…” Eddie says in a breath. “I came back to him. Then his mother left us. And my parents wanted Chris to live with them but I just...I couldn’t leave him again. I refused to be the same absent father my dad was.”

Buck nods his head. “You tried. You wanted to do better for your son and you never stopped trying to be.”

Eddie smiles. “How do you know that? I’ve made so many mistakes as a father. I could be the worst fuck up father in the world.”

Buck shakes his head. “You’re not. You never were. Even when you left him, even when you think you failed him. I know it.”

Eddie’s so beautiful, especially when he looks at Buck like this. Like he wants to dive into him and mold together completely. Buck wanted to lean in, seeking comfort.

Eddie blinks and turns his head. “That’s an awfully large assumption to make.”

Buck lets out a crackly huff, turning away and facing towards the TV again. The movie was over and infomercials were playing. Large diamond rings shimmered on the TV as a lady voiced the carat count. “Yeah, well. If Christopher turned out anything like how you are right now, he would be one amazing kid.”

Eddie flinches. It’s barely there, but Buck notices it. 

Eddie sucks a lip in. “Christopher has Cerebral Palsy. I won’t lie. It was really fucking hard in the beginning. Who am I kidding, it was fucking hard for years until I finally got help. My husband...well, best friend at the time. He introduced me to a nurse and helped me find a great school for him. He made Christopher feel welcome among our firehouse. He would find ways for Chris to get all those stupid “normal kid” things--like one time he made Chris a skateboard so that he could ride without worrying about falling. He watched Chris when Carla was busy, he took care of Christopher with me when he was sick. He saved his life more than once and he--” Eddie’s voice cracks. “He loved that kid more than he loved himself. It was one of the main reasons I fell in love with him.” Eddie’s eyes flutter up to Buck’s. “Especially after his mom died, when I felt like I had absolutely no one.”

Buck doesn’t know what to say. Eddie’s husband just sounded so perfect. With every word Eddie spoke about him, the more Buck felt like he could never compare to him. 

“So he was a teammate huh?” That’s what Buck chooses to focus on. Not anything else, because it all just hurts too much. How come he could see himself so easily in Eddie’s memories, but all of it just felt tainted knowing that he never had a family like that, and Eddie did. It was yet another thing Buck envied about him. Someone like Eddie had a beautiful family, and someone like Buck. Well...no one ever wanted to stay for him.

Eddie bursts out laughing. “That’s what you focus on?” 

“Uh, yeah!” Buck says, face breaking out into a mischievous smile. “That’s pretty scandalous. Hooking up with a teammate.”

“Oh believe me, he was the one who pursued  _ me _ .” Eddie laughs. “Seriously! The man followed me around like a puppy. You know the first day we met he told me I was supposed to treat him like an elder even though he is literally 5 years younger than me, and had only been working in the station for a year at the time. God. It was so funny because he glared at me the whole day, and didn’t want my help on calls but the second we survived pulling a live grenade out of a man’s leg together and I gave him  _ one  _ compliment, he melted into a puddle of goo.” Eddie is leaning into Buck now. He bites his lip. “Years later he told me he that within the first two days we met, he went from wanting to punch me, to wanting to fuck me, to falling in love with me. All within two shifts. Less than 48 hours.” Eddie shakes his head but doesn’t break eye contact. “It’s crazy, because I felt attracted to him that day too but didn’t realize it until nearly 3 years later. By then I knew that there was no one else for me but him.”

Eddie’s face was so close. Buck wanted to kiss him. He wanted to lean forward and kiss him. Eddie’s eyes were so pretty, and his lips were curled into a smile that was somehow sweet and sexy all at the same time. Buck wanted to run his hands through his hair, grasping on like when it used to be longer. He wanted to find the place on his neck that made Eddie’s toes curl and lick the lobe of his ears that made him giggle ( _ I don’t _ giggle,  _ Buck) _ . Oh but Eddie giggled, Buck knew he would. He knew he could bring it out in him. 

Someone behind them cleared their throat. “Gentleman.”

Buck and Eddie sprung apart. Corra stood behind them, eyeing them with a smirk. 

Buck rolled his eyes. Why did this make him feel like back in the day when Cap would bust him stealing the fire truck to hook up with a girl. 

“I think it’s time all residents return to their rooms,” Corra says. “Come along now.”

Buck and Eddie follow her reluctantly. She walks in front of them and they walk side by side behind her, arms knocking into each other and the backs of their hands brushing. Eddie snuck glances at him and smiled like he knew something Buck didn’t. 

Buck has to go into his rooms first, but he lingers in the doorway, watching as Corra escorts Eddie across to his rooms.

To Eddie Corra murmurs, “Do I need to give you the statistics about hooking up in retirement homes?”

Eddie cringes. “Oh fuck, don’t even remind me. My team once treated an entire old folks home with a flesh-eating STD because literally all the residents were having orgies with each other. I know the fucking statistics.”

Buck cracks up. Eddie smiles and winks at him. Corra shakes her head. “Good _ night  _ gentleman. That means you too, Evan.”

“Ooh, you’re in trouble,” Eddie quips at Buck’s expense. 

“Don’t even  _ try  _ that first name crap on me,” Buck throws back instantly. “Goodnight,  _ Edmundo _ .”

Buck closes the door to his room, and doesn’t even see Eddie’s eyes widen at the name. Buck doesn’t think about it again until he’s trying to fall asleep.

Was Eddie’s full name Edmundo? 

_ So is your full name Eduardo?  _

_ No. _

_ Anyone ever call you Diaz? _

_ Not if they want me to respond. _

  
  


*

That night Buck dreams of a tsunami. He’s been having this dream a lot recently. Almost every night now.

But this time is different. This time, he sees the wave rise. A thick wall growing higher and higher with each passing second. This time, he hoists a little boy over his shoulder and sprints down the pier. The water is coming and fast. Buck knows he only has seconds till the water hits and sweeps him and the boy away. 

Quickly he hides the boy behind a booth, and turns around. The wave is here. He barely manages to jump behind the barrels in time before the water sweeps them away.

_ Christopher!  _ Buck cries out, but to his ears it sounds like bubbles.  _ Christopher! _

_ Buck! _

The little boy is clinging to a pole, just barely keeping his head above the water. Buck scrambles to swim to him. His body feels so heavy, and his eyelids keep trying to force themselves shut. But he can’t pass out now. He needs to get to Christopher. 

_ Buck!  _ Christopher cries out again, and he sounds so scared it makes Buck want to cry. But the adrenaline is pumping within him. Filling his muscles up and helping him push forward in the water. He reaches his hand out to Christopher.

_ Christopher! Christopher grab my hand! Chris! Chris! No! _

The water is rushing too fast and whisks Buck right past him.  _ Chris!  _ Buck screams,  _ stay there! _

_ I can’t hold on! _

Christopher lets go and Buck uses the last of his strength to pitch himself forward and latch onto the boy, dragging his head above the water just as he’s about to go completely under. They’re both desperately panting, Buck trying to keep both their heads above the water. He cradles Chris to his chest. 

Buck keeps swimming, trying to find something, anything for them to hang on to or pull themselves up above the water. A low hanging awning or a roof or a large car. Something! Where was the ladder truck? There was a ladder truck somewhere around here, where was it?!

They’re pulled away by the currents fast, and suddenly Buck sees the truck. He pushes the both of them towards it. Buck pushes Christopher on top of the truck, pushing himself back under the water to duck out of the way of piercing debris on the surface. 

When it passes, he sucks in a harsh breath of air and tries to heave himself up onto the firetruck. Suddenly, Buck feels the truck tipping over.

_ No! No no no no NO! _

The truck falls onto its side, and Buck’s foot gets snagged in between the glass of the window. Christopher falls back into the water as the fire truck drags Buck under the water. Somehow in less than a second, quicker than should’ve been possible with water slowing it down, Buck hits the pavement. His leg is on fire, trapped beneath the firetruck. 

_ Chri--  _ water fills Buck’s lungs. Buck fights to pull himself out from underneath the truck. His leg screams in pain, blood gushing out from beneath him, staining the water red. Above him, Christopher is struggling to stay afloat towards the surface. 

_ Chris!  _ There’s more water in Buck’s lungs than air now. Buck is helpless except to try and free himself from under the truck. Buck watches as Chris fights to keep his own head above the water, but his body is getting pulled too far away. He’s almost out of sight. 

_ No! Christopher! _

Dark water and blood flood his mouth. His screams get swept away with Chris and the current. Buck is pushing so hard now. He wants to rip his leg off. Let the fire truck take his leg as it’s souvenir. He would swim with just his arms to get to Christopher. 

_ Please _ ...Buck begs. He stays firmly trapped underneath the truck. The last of the air in his lungs bubbles out his lips, and as the last one pops, Chris is completely gone. 

Buck wakes up to screaming. 

It’s his own. 

“Buck,” a voice calls out to him, shaking him awake. “Buck, hey! Hey shh, it’s alright. Shhh.”

Arms are wrapping around him, pressing him to a solid chest. Buck can’t breathe. “Chris-Christopher--”

“Shh, Chris’s okay. He’s fine. He’s safe. You’re safe.”

“There’s so much water,” Buck chokes, clinging onto his chest. “So much water.” 

Eddie holds him tighter. “You’re safe, Buck. I got you. I won’t let you get hurt.”

And Buck starts to relax, sinking farther into Eddie’s arms, burying his face into Eddie’s neck. The older man doesn’t seem to mind. He squeezes him to his body tighter and runs his fingers through the small hairs on the back of Buck’s head. It’s so nice. It’s so familiar. He craves Eddie’s soft fingers in his hair. Breathes in Eddie’s scent. His favorite. 

“Eddie,” Buck murmurs into Eddie’s skin. “Eddie...Eddie…”

Buck pulls back and looks into Eddie’s face. Eddie cups his face. “I’m here, Buck. It’s me.”

“Eddie?” Buck asks, blinking his eyes in confusion. 

Eddie’s crying. He’s crying and his thumbs are sweeping softly over Buck’s cheeks, and he’s smiling. “Yes. Yes, it’s me, Buck. Remember me, Buck? It’s me, Eddie.”

It’s coming to him, Buck thinks. He knows Eddie from somewhere. He sees it somewhere in the back of his head.  _ Diaz _ in bold letters across the back of his turn out coat. Seeing his name through smoke and fire. A hand on his back, whispering his name in his ear. Holding a little boy in his arms, calling him Christopher. A 40 foot hole caving in on Eddie, burying him underground. Buck clawing through the mud.

He can’t breathe. He can’t--

His chest is heaving. Eddie says in a small voice, “Buck?”

Buck can’t breathe. Or he’s breathing too much. 

“Breathe with me, Buck. Breathe. Remember me, Buck. Remember us. I know you can do it. Please.”

“Who--” Buck gasps. “Who are you?”

“It’s  _ me _ , Buck. It’s  _ me _ . Don’t you remember? You dreamed of Christopher--”

“I don’t know who Christopher is,” Buck shakes his head, fighting scared tears. “I don’t know you. Why are you doing this to me?”

Eddie is full on crying. “Please Buck,  _ please  _ Evan, you have to remember--!”

“Get out.” Buck pulls away. Out of Eddie’s arms. He’s going to have a panic attack. Fuck, he’s probably already having a panic attack. How was he imagining memories that felt so real? This wasn’t right. He didn’t  _ know  _ Eddie. He’d only met him a little over a month ago. These memories weren’t real; they were a figment of his imagination. Buck remembered his life. He remembered his sister, and he remembered Chim and he remembered his team. He remembered Captain...uh...Cap. He remembered Cap, and he remembered that Cap was married to a police officer. What was her name? Shit, why couldn’t he remember her name?

_ Don’t go chasing waterfalls. _

_ I don’t know what that means. _

Buck still had no fucking clue what that means.  __ Fuck, what was her name? Buck remembered she didn’t like him at first. Thought he was a hothead. But soon enough he earned her trust. He remembered how warm he felt around her and Cap. Like he was filled with parental love. Why the fuck couldn’t he remember their  _ names?! _

Buck pushes himself off the bed and accidentally backs himself into his dresser. Things fall and clatter all over the floor. 

“Fuck,” Buck curses. 

“Buck, come on, please just tell me you remember anything.” Eddie makes his way towards him.

“Don’t come closer!” Buck yells. His leg flares with pain and he cries out. His knees buckle and he slides down to the floor. 

“Buck--”

“Go away!” Buck screams, squatting on the ground. 

Eddie rushes out the door, yelling for someone and Buck closes in on himself, wrapping his arms around his head. The door bursts open again and Corra and two other nurses scramble in with Eddie right behind them, shouting directions like he knew exactly what was happening to him.

  
  


“Buck!” Corra calls out, coming towards him and crouching down. “Hey, you’re okay. Can you tell me what’s hurting?”

_ My head. My heart. Everything. _

“My leg,” Buck tells them. “It’s on fire.”

Corra stands back up and gives the two nurses instructions. Buck allows them to man-handle him back into his bed.

“Call Maddie,” Buck calls out. “Somebody call my sister! Call Maddie, I want to talk to Maddie-”

He catches the devastated look on Eddie’s face. “Buck...Maddie’s not--”

“NO!” Buck screeches at the top of his lungs. “Shut up, shut up, shut UP!”

Corra tries to get a nurse to usher Eddie out. She and the other one push Buck back onto his pillows and give him a shot of something. Soon enough, Buck is sliding back into unconsciousness. This time, he doesn’t dream.

*

Buck doesn’t see Eddie again for almost four days. The older man had been avoiding him, and to be fair Buck was avoiding him too.

_ You’re exhausting _ . 

Once, when Buck accidentally looked up from his computer and saw Eddie walking past the rec room to go outside, they locked eyes. Eddie could’ve stopped and talked to him. Buck could’ve done something to invite him closer. But instead they just looked at each other, deep sadness etched onto Eddie’s face. And that was exactly when that phrase rang out in Buck’s ears. 

_ You’re exhausting. We all have our own problems, but you don’t see the rest of us whining about it. Somehow we all manage to suck it up. Why can’t you? _

Why couldn’t he? 

Ever since that night when Buck had a panic attack, he regretted what he said to Eddie. He regretted pushing him away, when all he wanted to do was drag him closer. Burrow into his skin. But something about being near Eddie frightened him. Terrified him to his very core, even more than climbing atop a roller coaster with barely a harness to hold him. Even more than drowning in a tsunami. 

Whenever he thought about Eddie, something in the back of Buck’s mind threatened to push through. Buck would think about Eddie’s smile, and somehow the taste of breath mints and beer would settle on the back of Buck’s tongue. He would think about Eddie’s hands and he’d feel a pressure on his side, soft and steady, like a hug. 

_ You’re exhausting _ .

Buck turned away from Eddie, and Eddie did not come his way.

*

The one nice thing about this nursing home is that there was an on-site therapist. Buck never thought he’d be grateful to see a therapist so regularly. He used to hate going to therapy when he was younger. Yeah, it was helpful to some people, but Buck never enjoyed it. Not that he thought he was supposed to enjoy therapy. The first time he ever went to therapy, he slept with his therapist. He regrets how that all went down now, and very much attributes it to how averse to going back he was for so long. 

Once he finally got back into it, it did help him. He went consistently for several years, and had the same therapist the rest of his team had for a while. Maddie too, maybe?

The in-house therapist in the home was named Dr. Brooks, and he was a sharp looking gentleman. Dark skin and round golden glasses. He looked like the type of person who gave great advice. And Buck guessed he made a career out of it. Buck knew what that was like. He had muscles and a nice face and pretty good stamina. Somehow he was good at avoiding death too. Perfect for a firefighter.

That was what he talked about most with Dr. Brooks. 

“I can’t remember my captain’s name,” Buck tells him. “It’s...driving me insane. I remember his face, so clearly. And I remember his wife too. I remember my team. I remember Chimney was my teammate, and his partner was…” God he couldn’t remember her name now either. Fuck!

Dr. Brooks crossed a leg. “You know when you were first admitted here, you filled out a lot of forms. Mostly with your health records, but also a questionnaire for me where I asked you to write down the people, places and things that meant the most to you. I still have that file, if you would like to see it. I’m sure your captain’s name is in there.”

Buck nods quickly. “Yeah, yeah I wanna see it.”

Dr. Brooks nods, stands up and crosses to his desk where he opens a filing cabinet and pulls it out. Buck sees his name written on the top. Evan “Buck” Buckley-/////////. There’s a series of pen scratches right after his last name. He had no clue why, and he didn’t feel like asking.

Dr. Brooks handed him the file and allowed him a moment to look through it.

There listed at the top was his family. His sister, Maddie, was at the top followed by Chim, their children and their grandchildren. Just under them was another set of names. They were crossed out, and Buck couldn’t help but wonder why? Would Dr. Brooks know? Was this the first time he was seeing this file? Buck decided he would ask about the crossed out names later and instead continues down to the next set of names.

Captain Robert Nash and Sergeant Athena Grant Nash.

“Bobby!” Buck blinked back tears of relief. “Bobby...a-and Athena...Fuck, how could I forget their names.”

“They were like parents to you, I recall you saying before, correct?” Dr. Brooks asks.

Had Buck said that to him? He didn’t remember doing so, but it made perfect sense. Bobby and Athena did feel like his parents. Whereas Maddie was the one who raised him in childhood, Bobby and Athena were the ones who raised him in adulthood. They’re the ones who took him from an irresponsible hothead and helped him grow into an adult. Someone people could rely on, and look up to. And when Bobby recommended him to take his place as the captain of the 118 Buck cried and clung to Bobby as the rest of his team bear hugged them both from all sides. It was one of the happiest days he could remember of his life. There were other happy moments too, that he couldn’t pull to the front just yet, but this memory was clear. Bobby was proud of him. Bobby found him worthy of being the captain. It was all Buck had wanted since joining the 118. To win Bobby’s approval. Little did he know that he had had it all along. It just took him so long to realize it.

And Athena?  _ Don’t go chasing waterfalls _ . Athena! He remembered her pointing her fingers at him, anger and exasperation clear on her face. He remembers her swearing if he fucked up one more time, he was on the outs. She would have his career and Buck knew she meant it. Winning over Athena Grant was probably one of the most difficult things he’d had to do, earning her respect and trust was not easy. You had to prove yourself and you had to keep proving yourself. But winning her affection was another thing entirely. Buck remembered the way her mouth quirked up  _ just the slightest  _ when he would jump headfirst into danger. He always saved the day but not before giving Athena a heart attack first. When she pointed her fingers, they were sharp, but when she patted his arm, her touch was soft. It said,  _ you’re annoying as all hell, but I love you anyway. _

He stares at their names in his file. 

“They’re gone, aren’t they?” Buck asks. 

Dr. Brooks purses his lips and uncrosses his legs. “I make it my duty to keep up with the lives of all my patients. Captain Nash died about a decade ago due to complications with his back. Sergeant Grant however didn’t pass away until about 3 or so years ago. She came to visit you once and I had a lovely chat with her.”

“She did?” Buck asks. He doesn’t remember her visiting. He would’ve remembered her visiting, it was  _ Athena _ . 

“Yes, she and her son Harry.” 

“Harry!” Buck smiles. “Wow, haven’t seen him in  _ ages _ . I wonder how he’s doing in school.”

Dr. Brooks smiles at him. Buck looks back at the file. 

“Hen!” He smiles. “I remember her most of the time. It flickers in and out. Sometimes I remember her so clearly and sometimes it’s just blank. Nothing.”

“That happens with age, Buck,” Dr. Brooks says. “Even with the leaps and bounds made with the study of memory deterioration and age, it still happens to the best of us. We forget the names and faces of those most close to us.”

Buck’s brow furrows. A dark cloud descends over the room, and suddenly Buck just wants to leave.

“How much am I forgetting?” Buck asks. “Don’t lie to me, Doc. I’m reading my file right now.”

Dr. Brooks narrows his eyes. He then asks, “Do you remember a woman you once told me about named Abby?”

Abby. 

No. He didn’t know her.

Buck shook his head. “No. I don’t remember anyone named Abby.”

Dr. Brooks nods. “Right. Well. We can talk about her another time then.”

Okay…?

“I’ve also heard that you have a new neighbor?” Dr. Brooks asks. “Eddie Diaz, is that correct?”

Buck stiffens. “Yeah.”

“Last time we spoke it was only his second or third day here and you said he was quote ‘irritatingly perfect’ unquote.”

Buck stews in his seat. “Nobody’s perfect.”

“Well, I’m glad you’ve realized that,” Brooks laughs. “But it seems your demeanor towards him has changed. I’ve heard from the nurses that you befriended him after all. But something happened recently to sour that relationship?”

Buck doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn’t want to talk about Eddie. He doesn’t want to talk about how he’s pretty sure he knows Eddie from somewhere but he can’t remember where and talking about Eddie and thinking about Eddie only makes it worse.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really?”

“I’m only going to ask why not because I could hear the question mark in your voice,” Dr. Brooks says. “Does Eddie make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Yes,” Buck says, “But also...no.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He...something about him. Something about him is so familiar. I can’t place my finger on it.”

Dr. Brooks hums, encouraging him to continue.

“Eddie...he...I feel like I know him from somewhere.” Buck exhales, feeling oddly relieved to just get it out. “And I think he knows too but he’s just not telling me. The other night he was  _ begging  _ me to remember him, and I could feel it bubbling up in my head and it was fucking terrifying, and I felt like my head was about to explode and I was already so fucking scared after that god damn  _ dream  _ and Eddie was just holding me and talking to me about Christopher like I was supposed to know who he was and not like he was just a little boy in my dream and he fucking scares me because I think I’m in love with him but that doesn’t make any sense because I barely know him, but it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. And it’s even worse because I can’t even trust my own memory anymore!”

Dr. Brooks sits there in stunned silence. “Wow. There’s a lot to unpack there.”

“You have to help me,” Buck practically whimpers. 

“I will do my best to help you get through this,” Dr. Brooks assures him. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

Buck nods and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Now,” Dr. Brooks starts. “Let me start by asking you about these nightmares.”

*

It’s children’s day that day. Buck sits on the couch and watches the kids play. The home had a bunch of board games, some Buck had never even heard of before. And he used to play a lot of board games as a kid. Card games too.

His two main hobbies as a kid had been playing board games and reading. His parents didn’t own a TV and whenever he needed to search anything on the internet for school, he would have to use the computer in the library. 

Maddie had gotten him a library card and took him there every day when he was little. His father used to smoke a lot, and Maddie didn’t like being in the house when he was making his way through who knew how many packs. She bought him a kids helmet from the store and put him on the back of her bike and peddled them five miles to the library. They would sit at a table together for hours, reading out-dated magazines from the 80s and picture books. As Buck got older, and learned how to read on his own, he graduated to novels about swash-buckling pirates, and superheros. His favorite stories were the ones about people with powers. He loved putting himself in their place. Feeling like he was special, the only person who possessed these unique abilities, and used them only to save people. 

Maddie asked him one day in 6th grade what he wanted to be when he grew up and Buck had smiled, with his missing teeth, and shouted “a superhero!” way too loudly that they got shushed by the librarian. Maddie giggled, apologized to the lady and then whispered in his ear. “You’re gonna be a superhero, Evan. Mark my words.”

He did. But see the thing about being a superhero is it’s easy to do when you have special powers. Not so easy when you were a scrawny, pimply kid who people made fun of because they thought his birthmark was eye herpes. 

Maddie wanted to be a nurse. Buck thought that was a job of a superhero if he ever heard one. So Buck followed in her footsteps and studied his ass off in his science classes. Maddie helped him study every day. She was a senior in high school when Buck was just entering middle school, but she still took the time to hang out with Buck.

He didn’t really have many friends as a kid. Not for trying. But Buck would always inevitably open his mouth and say something that the other kid took offense to. It was an accident, truly. He didn’t know what most kids were talking about. They would talk about myspace and movies Buck had never heard of and most definitely had not seen. Sometimes Maddie would save enough money from her job and take them to the movies, but that didn’t happen often as Maddie was trying to save money for nursing school.

His mom and dad were rarely at home. They worked long shifts that kept them away most nights and when they were home, his mom was asleep and his dad was smoking in the kitchen listening to the radio. They ignored him most of the time. They had to pay attention to Maddie once she decided she was not only moving out to go to nursing school, but she was also moving across the state to move in with her new boyfriend. Their mom wasn’t happy, but she didn’t force Maddie to stay. Her non-response was worse than anything else she could’ve done. Their dad grunted that she was making a mistake with that boy, but what did he care? She was eighteen. She could make her own choices.

Buck remembered how Maddie had screamed in their faces. The first time she had ever raised her voice to their parents. Buck knew what she was doing now, but back then all he could remember was visceral fear. All Maddie had wanted was for their parents to care. To care enough to want her to stay. And they hadn’t even given her that.

She stormed off, announcing she was leaving the next morning and there was nothing they could do to stop her. They didn’t even try. 

Buck tiptoed to her room and poked his head in through the door. Clothes and toiletries were flying through the air as Maddie worked at light speed to pack up her room. She whisked around the room in a flurry, tearing down the posters on her wall and shoving them into her backpack. He could see black tears streaming down her face and dripping off her chin.

“Maddie?” he asked in a small voice.

She whipped around, startled. “Evan.” She wiped her face quickly but it did nothing but smear the black more on her eyes. “You scared me.”

Buck dared to venture further into her room. “Evan?”

He grasped her hands. “Please don’t leave, Maddie.” 

_ Please don’t leave me _ .

Her tears started anew. Buck knew how difficult this was for her. She couldn’t live in this house anymore. She, like Buck, was nothing better than the aging wallpaper in the kitchen to their parents. What did their mom and dad care if they started peeling?

And Buck felt guilty. He knew exactly why she was leaving and he didn’t blame her at all. He knew that if he were in her place, he would leave too. Buck knew there was nothing holding her to this house anymore. But if Maddie left, who would Buck have? He didn’t have any friends, he didn’t have parents. He didn’t even have a boyfriend or girlfriend like Maddie had. Maddie had friends, Maddie had a boyfriend, Maddie had a future. Buck had nothing but her.

So, selfishly, Buck begged her not to leave him.

“Please don’t go,” Buck burst into tears. Maddie scooped him up into her arms, crying equally as hard. The two of them fell into a heap on the floor.

The two of them fell asleep in Maddie’s bed. Buck refused to leave her for one minute out of fear that if he let her out of sight for one second, she would disappear.

In the morning, when he woke up, Maddie was gone. And Buck was alone.

He’s so lost in thought, watching the families littered about the room having fun, he doesn’t notice someone sit down next to him.

“You look like you’re thinking hard about something,” Eddie says. It’s the first time they’ve spoken to each other since that night. It feels like such a long time has passed since then when in reality it only had been a fortnight. 

Buck sniffles a little. “My sister.”

Eddie nods. “Maddie.”

It still makes Buck very uncomfortable that Eddie seemed to just know shit about him that Buck hadn’t told him.

“Yeah.” He says, his voice clipped. “Maddie. She, uh, she died. A while ago. I…” Buck swallows. Guess he was telling Eddie the truth today. “I forget that sometimes. It still feels like she’s here with me, I remember her so clearly. More clearly than anyone else. She’s always there, in my head. I forget easily that she’s not.”

Eddie nods. “I get that.”

“Do you?” Buck snaps. “Do you get what it’s like to feel like you’re losing your goddamn mind? Do you know what it’s like to not know if the people you love are still alive or dead? Do you know what it’s like to have absolutely no one left? No one who knows you better than you know yourself? Do you know what it's like to lose the only people you’ve ever had?”

Buck swallows back the emotions. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to fucking cry in front of all these families, and he didn’t want to cry in front of Eddie. He already felt crazy enough.

“She was all I had. The only family I ever had.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Eddie says like he was so sure he was right. “You had other people who loved you. Other people who were your family.”

“Not really. I had my team, but they all had other people. Their own people. I didn’t have anyone to call my own. Even Maddie had her own family. I was just the tack-on she was obligated to invite to her family events.”

“That’s not true,” Eddie snaps. Buck stares at him in shock.

“And how do you know that, huh?” Buck asks. “How is it you know everything and I know nothing, huh? Riddle me that.”

Eddie looks rightfully shamed. “I didn’t mean it like that, Buck.”

“Right.”

Eddie avoids his eyes for a long moment. “Buck, I...I wanted to say something to you. Actually, I wanted to apologize to you.”

Buck looks up, and finally he and Eddie make eye contact.

“I shouldn’t have acted the way I did that night,” Eddie says, shaking his head. “I was just scared. You scare me.”

_ You scare me too _ .

“I wish I could tell you that I regret waking you up, or comforting you in that moment--” Eddie shifts between looking away and looking back at Buck-- “but I don’t. The second I heard you scream there’s nowhere I would’ve been except by your side.”

How could Eddie just say these things so easily? Buck thinks. How could he just say all this and not feel...like he was being washed away with the tide.

“I’m only apologizing for trying to force you to talk about it. To remember it. Whatever it was you were dreaming about.” Eddie says, “I shouldn’t have crossed that line.”

“It was a tsunami,” Buck finds himself saying. “When the dreams first started it was just me. Just me being hit and dragged under. Then...that night I dreamt of the little boy.”

“Little boy?” Eddie asks, trying hard to hide how much he wanted to hear whatever Buck had to say next.

Buck nods. “I had never seen this boy before. But all of a sudden it was like all that mattered to me was finding this boy and keeping his head above water. I didn’t care at all about my life, but I needed to find Christopher--”

Eddie flinches.

Buck apologizes. “I don’t know why, but the kid in my dream was named Christopher. I wonder if maybe I was just thinking about you and your son. And how lucky you were to have each other. I guess my brain just supplied that name. That’s what most cognitive scientists believe, that the people we see in our dreams and names we supply in our head are borrowed from faces we may have seen even just walking by once, or heard of in passing. It doesn’t have to be someone you actually know.”

“Oh.” Eddie says, and that’s all. 

“Anyway…” Buck continues. “I knew I had to save Christopher, and for a split second I thought I had. I pushed him up onto a firetruck. He was supposed to stay safe. But when I tried to climb up, the truck fell down on top of me, dragged me under and pinned me to the ground under the water. Christopher fell off and I couldn’t get to him. He was just...gone.”

Buck turns to Eddie, and finds he has tears in his eyes. “Hey, Eddie. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“No,  _ no _ ,” Eddie insists. “I’m fine. It’s not you. I’m just...I wish you didn’t have to keep having those dreams. You don’t deserve it.”

Buck takes Eddie’s hand. “It’s okay, Eddie. The dream...it just freaked me out because it felt so real. But I know it’s not. Those things never happened to me in real life. And I’ve never met your son.”

The familiar look of inexplicable sadness is on Eddie’s face again. It seems to be permanently etched there whenever Buck says a word about Christopher. For a minute Buck lets his mind wander again. What would his life have been like had he known Eddie and his son? Would they have hung out? He likes to think that he would’ve been close to Eddie if Eddie had been his teammate. They would’ve been the unstoppable duo. Cap would’ve paired them up on every call. One pulls the rope, the other descends. One pries the door open, the other pulls the person out. One goes in, the other has his back. That was one of the things Buck loved the most about being a firefighter. You had to trust those on your team completely, otherwise how was anyone supposed to get the job done without fearing for your life? And the bonds forged through smoke and fire were the strongest bonds Buck had ever made.

He can see it so clearly, Eddie in Buck’s firehouse. Eddie sat next to him at the table while Bobby served the family dinner he cooked. Eddie playing video games with Buck and Hen on the couch. 

He could see Eddie sitting across from him in the truck, laughing at something stupid Chim said. A bright smile hitting Buck harder than the sound of any siren. Eddie giving him a fist bump as Bobby shouted orders at the team. A silent agreement to get in there, get the job done, and emerge safe. Return to the other in one piece. And even if a job chipped a piece of their soul away, the other would be there with open arms. To listen silently, to touch a hand gently to their forearm. To know the other would be there.

And when they returned to the firehouse, victory or tragedy, they would have each other. Someone to go to the kitchen and get the other a glass of water so that the tears threatening to fall would retreat. Someone to hug because they fucking saved those people, and it was that high, the knowing that you are the only reason someone is still alive and can still go home to their family. Regardless of how the calls went, Buck returned home to the 118 and would soak in the feeling of being surrounded by his family. The people who belonged to him the way he thought no one else besides Maddie ever would.

And then maybe he would go home, to Eddie’s house, and he’d find Christopher waiting for them. He’d ask for a hug and Buck would sink into his arms. So small, so fragile, and yet the strongest arms Buck had ever found himself within. Buck would bask in the warmth of his son and his husband and know he finally found the place where he belonged--

“Buck?”

Buck blinks. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind,” Eddie says. “I just wish sometimes that I could read your mind. See what goes on inside your head when you disappear.”

“Really?”

Eddie blushes, and oh no...Buck feels himself melting. Eddie’s cheeks are so naturally flush, that any actual blushing makes him shine bright red and it’s so pretty.

“Yeah,” Eddie says. 

“If you could follow me into my mind, I would let you,” Buck says.

A smile flickers over Eddie’s face. “Of course you would.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Buck asks, eyebrow raised.

“Nothing,” Eddie puts his hands up in surrender. “Just that that’s so like you. Inviting everyone into your heart. Even people you don’t know.”

“I know you.” 

Eddie pauses.

“I mean I know you now,” Buck clarifies, and then takes a deep breath. “But sometimes it feels like I’ve known you my whole life. Or...most of it at least.”

“Me too,” Eddie says.

Eddie’s hand slides down from where it was resting just above Buck’s elbow until it reaches the apex of Buck’s hands. Without a word, Buck turns his wrinkled hand over and lets Eddie slip his frail fingers in between Buck’s. 

It feels right. It feels like home.

*

“Mr. Buckley, you have a phone call.”

Buck mumbles how the home should’ve just let him keep his cell phone. Then they wouldn’t have to keep going out of their way to come get him anytime someone was trying to reach him. Which, to be fair, wasn’t often. But sometimes Buck just wanted to sit on his phone and scroll for hours to pass the time. But  _ somebody  _ (Corra) kept insisting a device too close to his face would ruin his eyesight even more. Just because Buck had to wear glasses now after going nearly 60 years without them, doesn’t mean shit. 

“Go for Buck,” he says into the phone’s receiver.

A voice laughs on the other hand. “Damn Buckaroo, you never change do you?”

“Chim!” Buck exclaims, perking up instantly. “Chimney, hey! H-How’s it going, man? How is everyone?”

“We’re good, Buck. Missing you, though. That’s actually the reason I called. Kevin offered to drive me up this weekend, if you’re free?”

“Yeah, cause sitting around and doing nothing all day keeps me so busy, Chim. Fucking of course I want you to come up this weekend. Please.” 

Chim laughs again. Never once losing his youthful mirth despite the years.

“Alright. I’m expecting the same warm welcome when I get there. Think you can create a distraction so I can sneak some baked goods in?”

“Obviously. I’ll just yell ‘heart-attack!’ and all the nurses will go running. It’ll be hilarious.”

“You got yourself a deal man. Don’t die before I get there.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

*

Chimney sneaks in four tubs of baked goods. Brownies, peanut butter cookies, and a whole cake. 

“Jesus Chim, are you visiting me or catering the entire home?” Buck smiles. 

“Shut up, Buckley, and give me a goddamn hug.”

It’s a rough fit, Buck having to bend over to reach Chim in his chair, and his leg and back aches when he bends down, but it doesn’t stop him from practically melting into Chimney’s embrace.

“I fucking missed you man, it’s been way too long.”

“You can blame Lucille Grace Han for that,” Chimney points out. “She’s the one who insisted I bring her Uncle Buck literally every dessert in the book. She was in the kitchen for five hours making all of this and wouldn’t even let me sneak in any pot.”

Buck laughs. “Man, Chim, can’t believe a 14 year old is more responsible than you are.”

Chim grimaces. “Actually, Lucy turned 19 earlier this year, remember? We stopped by in June to celebrate her getting into culinary school.”

Buck didn’t remember that. Fuck. Only two minutes and he’s already fucked things up with Chim. What kind of grand-uncle was he, forgetting his own grand-niece was a grown woman now. 

“Right.” Buck chuckles, trying to play it off. “The years go by like days, huh? Feels like just yesterday Carly was freaking out about being pregnant and Maddie had to talk her down by telling her how she came as a surprise to you two too.”

Chimney smiles. “Yeah...good times. I think I threw up more often than Maddie while she was pregnant that time.”

“Just that time?” 

“No. I think I damn near fainted when we had to have an emergency C-section with Kevin.”

“I remember that! The nurse wanted you to leave but Maddie said she would hop up off the operating table and give herself a c-section at home if they even dared to send you out.”

Chimney blinks softly, eyes nearly disappearing as they were eclipsed by the apples of his cheeks. “Yeah. She was a bad-ass, Maddie. A Badass Buckley through and through. Just like you.”

Buck feels a prickle at the back of his throat.

He tries to clear it, but his voice still comes out clipped and high. “I’m, uh, sorry Chim. That you don’t have the Buckley you want still here with you. This must feel like such a consolation prize.”

He has to turn away for a moment, pretending like he’s searching for something outside the window to avoid Chimney seeing the look on his face.

Buck feels a hand on his. He turns back to Chimney, blinking away red eyes. 

“Hey…” Chimney starts. He refuses to let Buck look away from him, nearly falling out his chair stretching this way and that to make sure Buck couldn’t turn away from him. Chim wanted him to hear this. No excuses. “Just because you’re not the Buckley I’m in love with, doesn’t mean I’m not grateful to God that I still have you in my life.”

“Like you don’t wish that you had her back.”

“I wish I had her back every single day since she’s been gone. And I will want her till the day I cease to exist. But you are my brother. Have been since way before I met Maddie. Don’t you know how grateful I am to you? For bringing her into my life? If it wasn’t for you being my friend, and my teammate, I never would’ve found Maddie or have the beautiful family I have now. 

“I wish it was me,” Buck’s bottom lip trembles. “That I could take her place.”

“I don’t,” Chimney snaps.

“That’s a lie.”

“It’s not,” Chim insists. “Or well, it’s not entirely. Yes, I would’ve done anything to have her back, but she would  _ never  _ have wanted you to be gone just so she could come back. She never would’ve even let you entertain the idea.”

Tears roll down Buck’s cheeks because it’s true. Maddie would’ve whacked him over the side of the head for even suggesting it. But he couldn’t help it. Who did he have to stick around for? Maddie had Chim, and her kids and her grandkids. She had a life and people to live for. Buck was just...Buck.

“Maddie’s at peace. I know she is,” Chim continues. “Our kids are adults. They have their own lives. And I got to live my happy ending. And I promised Maddie that if she couldn’t be here anymore that I would be there for you. She promised you she would never leave you again. And she passed the mantle on to me when she couldn’t carry on anymore. So I will be here with you till the very end you hear me, Buckaroo. You aren’t dying alone. Not on Maddie’s watch.”

Buck wipes his face and tries to calm himself down. 

There’s a knock on his door. He almost doesn’t bother trying to answer it, figuring it’s probably Corra and she could come back later. But Chimney yells out a loud, “come in!”

The door creaks open. “Buck..? I just wanted to stop by when I didn’t see you at dinner…”

Eddie’s voice trails off when he sees Buck and Chimney sitting together in the corner of Buck’s room.

“Oh…” Eddie trails off, eyes locked with Chimney like he’s trying to figure out what to say next.

Buck wipes his face again and puts a smile on his face. 

“Oh, hey Eddie,” Buck lifts a hand to Chimney. “I was just catching up with my brother-in-law.” 

Chimney takes over and pats Buck’s back. “The name’s Howie, but everyone calls me Chimney. Nice to meet you Eddie.”

Eddie gives Chimney a pointed look and clears his throat. “Nice to meet you. Why do they call you Chimney?”

Chimney laughs, and Buck smiles. 

“Now see  _ that  _ I am taking to the grave,” Chim answers. He glances at Buck and winks. “But maybe if you’re really nice to my brother here, he might tell you.”

Buck coughs uncomfortably but Eddie’s eyes sparkle. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“O...kaaayyyy…” Buck stands up. “Uh, Eddie, did you want to come in? Hold on, I’ll grab you a chair.”

“Oh. No, it’s okay, Buck, I didn’t mean to interrupt your family time--”

“No, it’s fine, Eddie,” Chim says. “You’re more than welcome.”

“I don’t want to intrude--”

“You’re not.” Buck maneuvers the chair so that Eddie could join them.

“I guess…” Eddie still seems unsure, and he’s looking at Chimney really weirdly. “I mean, if you’re sure…”

“Of course I am,” Buck says. “You’re my family too.”

That seemed to shut Eddie up. His mouth clicks shut and he takes a cautious step towards them before settling into the chair opposite Chimney who smirks at him.

“Seems you two are real close,” Chimney says.

_ You wanted us to bond. We might end up real close.  _

Buck blinks the memory away, deja vu washing over him and receding just as quickly. 

“Eddie’s a firefighter too,” Buck tells Chimney.

“Retired,” Eddie chuckles. “Obviously.”

Buck shakes his head, “Once a firefighter, always a firefighter.”

“Fucking A,” Chimney cheers, smacking a hand down on Buck’s knee. “Our Buckaroo here was a real thrill-seeker. Jump head-first into anything and everything. The amount of times he gave us all heart-attacks? Un-fucking-real. I’m telling you, Eddie. You should be  _ thankful _ you weren’t a part of our team.”

Eddie side-eyes Chimney, but his gaze glides to Buck. “I bet you loved rope rescues.”

“I--”

“He  _ loved  _ rope rescues!” Chimney exclaimed. “Every other call it was ‘Cap, I can repel down this mountain! Cap, I’ll swing in from the rope!’ This bastard  _ never _ let me do the maneuver no matter how many times I asked--”

“Because you can’t  _ do  _ the maneuver--” Buck interrupts.

“I could’ve done the maneuver  _ in my sleep _ .”

“Yeah, you mean  _ in your dreams _ .”

“Just because your boy-toy told you he liked the way the harness made your ass look--”

Eddie chokes on air.

“--doesn’t give you an excuse to wear it every single god damn call. I swear to  _ god  _ how did you two not get written up. The whole point of fraternization rules is so this kind of thing doesn’t happen. Am I right, Eddie?”

Eddie's giving Chimney a ‘shut-up’ glare and only then does Chimney look over at Buck who’s fallen completely silent.

Fraternization.

He remembers it. Sitting in Cap’s office, his best friend and firefighting partner by his side. Bobby looks at them, weighing what he wants to say.

“How long has this been going on?” Bobby asks.

“Officially?” his best friend says. “A couple weeks.”

“And unofficially?” Bobby prompts, even though he sounds like he really didn’t want to know.

“Since we met,” Buck admits, sparing only a glance at his partner. Buck can make out his eyes, warm brown and expressive. But the rest of his face, Buck can’t seem to put together. It’s like he knew this person. He knew his partner down to his very soul, and yet he couldn’t place his face. Buck could only remember his face in fragments. Soft smile. Sharp teeth (sexy as hell canine teeth that Buck liked when he scraped against his bottom lip). Rosy cheeks (gorgeous when Buck whispered endearments into his ears in between calls, hot as fuck when they were molded together in bed). Short hair. No--Long hair, gelled back when it was sweated off in the LA summer heat, curling over his forehead. He had to push it back constantly and Buck nearly always wanted to volunteer to be his personal hair pusher. But that was before Buck was allowed to freely touch him like that. When did that change? 

His best friend pushes his hair back as he leans over Buck, somehow on his back on a stretcher. 

_ “Hang in there, buddy _ ,” he says. He’s squeezing Buck’s hand, refusing to let go. Buck can barely breathe, his leg hurts so much. There’s sirens all around but it’s not the kind he’s used to. Cameras are flashing, he can hear Hen and Chimney and Bobby doing their best to reassure Buck he will be okay, and that they’re going to make him to the hospital.

Buck’s in the back of the ambulance and his partner and Chim are in the back with him, working on his leg. Trying to keep Buck alive.

He hears something whispered in his ears, a near silent prayer he only hears in between coding twice in the back of the ambulance before Hen arrives at the hospital, Bobby following behind in the truck.

Soft lips at his ear. “Stay with me, Buck. I need you. Stay with me.”

Buck passed out, and then he doesn’t remember anything that happens after that. 

He remembers a train crash. Someone shouting his name. She left him and she never came back. She left him and Buck had no one and…

And then he had someone. Someone standing in front of him. Someone taking his hand. Someone vouching for his stupid, reckless plans and saying, “If this train tips over and we die, I’m going to haunt your ass forever, Buckley.”

Buck wanted his partner to leave the train. He wanted Bobby to leave the train and leave Buck to be the one to rescue the victims….someone’s fiance...someone who took something from Buck that never actually truly belonged to him. Buck didn’t hate this man. When he learned that he had kids. That he and his fiancé--Ab--Al-? No that wasn’t her name--had kids, all Buck could think about was what if this was his partner? What if his partner had been in this train crash and Buck was left waiting helpless with their son, for someone to rescue him? Buck had to save him. If not for the one who was never his, than for the one who was his. His best friend, his partner, the one who helped him figure out who he was outside of his job. The one who gave him his beautiful son and his son’s beautiful daughter---

“Buck?”

Buck snaps his head up. Both Eddie and Chimney are staring at him.

“Buck?”

“I--I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no,” Chimney reaches over and takes his hand. “I’m sorry. I always forget how easy it is for you to forget--”

“I shouldn’t have forgotten!” Buck roars so hard he almost tips back in his chair if it wasn’t for Eddie steading him.

“Buck--”

“No...I--” he feels tears forming in his eyes. “I remember him--”

“You...you do?” Eddie asks, voice hopeful and skeptical all at the same time. And for why? Buck hadn’t a clue. He was too preoccupied mourning the loss of the only thing he had left of his past. His memory.

“I remember him. But I don’t. I remember now, he was a part of my team. I had somebody...and I remember how it felt to be near him. To have him on my side. To be his family...but I don’t remember  _ who he is _ , Chim. What--” his voice cracks, “what kind of person am I if I can’t even remember the love of my life?”

Eddie stands up all of a sudden.

“Edd--”

“I need to go,” Eddie says rapidly. Buck doesn’t understand. Why?

“Eddie, you don’t have to go. I’m sorry. I should’ve been more careful with what I said.”

“Bye, Buck,” Eddie blurts, and then rushes out of the room. Buck sits there in total silence. 

“I…” Buck breathes. “I had a family?”

Chimney sighs. “Yes, Buck. You have a beautiful family.”

“Have?” Buck says. “You mean…?”

“They’re still alive, Buck.” Chimney says, though he looks hesitant. 

“Who are they?” Buck demands. “Where are they? Tell me. Please, Chim, please. It’s been killing me, Chimney. I can f-feel a part of myself is just missing. It's like a phantom limb.”

Chimney looks like he’d be struck. He chooses his words extremely carefully. “I want to tell you, Buck. Believe me. But it’s not my place. Last time we told you without easing you into it--”

“ _ Last time _ ?” Buck’s heart shatters into a thousand shards. “You mean...I’ve forgotten them more than once?”

Chimney nods. “We’ve been through this more than once, Buck. And the last time, you took it really badly. You had a seizure and nearly died because of it.”

Buck swallows back his sobs. “I want my family, Chimney. I don’t care what happens to me--”

“But we do. That family you love so much? It kills them to see you forget them. It’s absolutely devastating to watch them have to stay away from you--”

“I’ll be okay this time, Chim,” Buck begs. “I feel them. I feel them so close to me. They’re right there, at the front of my head. I can see them, I just need some help Chim. Help me remember them.”

“We agreed, Buck, I’m sorry.” Chimney squeezes his hand. “You have to remember on your own.”

Buck doesn’t even have the energy to stay present as his nephew comes to pick up Chimney to take him home. 

Buck’s alone again. And what’s worse, is he could so easily change that. 

If only he could remember.

  
  


*

Buck is back in his loft apartment that he had for a few of the early years in LA. It was his first real place that was his, and his alone. Not one that he shared with roommates he hardly knew, not living in the apartment of a ghost, and not sleeping on his sister’s couch. This place was his. 

And yet this hadn’t been his home for years. There was somewhere else Buck wanted to be more.

He gave this apartment up after only two years living there. And he moved into a house. He remembers it. It was his best friend’s house.

He moved in because...because they were a family. Buck wasn’t alone anymore.

But that was then, and this is now. And Buck is back in his loft, and he’s damn near eighty years old. 

And his sister is here. That can’t be right. Maddie shouldn’t be sitting here, at this table, sitting across from him not looking a day over 35. 

“Maddie?” 

She smiles. The world feels bright again. “Hi, Evan.”

“What...what are you doing here? What am  _ I  _ doing here?”

Maddie smiles. “You’re asleep. You always were good at knocking out at the drop of a hat. It’s convenient. Makes it easier to reach you.”

“Reach me?” Buck asks. “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to,” she says, gently reaching over and taking his hand.

It’s all very reminiscent of that night years ago. When an old retired firefighter Buck once tried and failed to help, died and scared Buck to death that he would fall to the same fate.

_ You won’t end up like Red. Because he didn’t have a sister. He didn’t have me. _

“You said you wouldn’t leave me again.”

_ I know I left you twice.  _

Make it three times.

Maddie’s eyes turn down. Buck regrets even saying a word about that. How could he just let his stupid mouth run and make his sister sad when he hadn’t even seen her in years? When he missed her so fucking much. What was he even good for, if all he did was ruin the lives of the people he loved most.

“You weren’t alone anymore, baby brother,” Maddie says. “You didn’t need me.”

“I always needed you.”

Maddie gives him a watery smile. “We always had each other. And even in my last moments, you were there with me.”

Buck remembers it now. Maddie was sick. Her body was becoming weaker by the day, and Buck was by her side every day, alongside Chimney and their family. Buck’s own family was there too. He knew that, even if he couldn’t picture it clearly. 

Chimney held Maddie’s left hand, and Buck held her right hand, and she passed away peacefully in her sleep. Surrounded by people who loved her with all their hearts. Buck cried for three weeks straight. Probably longer. He couldn’t remember. It feels like he never stopped crying for Maddie. 

“Do you remember what I told you?”

Buck chuckles. “You said ‘I told you so’.” He shakes his head. “Such a big sister thing to say as your dying words.”

Maddie laughs with him. “And that’s because I was right. And you needed to remember it always. I told you you were never going to have Red’s future.”

Buck’s smile dims. “I may as well have. I can’t remember them, Maddie.”

“You do,” she insists.

“How do you know?” Buck asks. “How do I know? For all I know, I could be dead right now. I died alone, just like I said I would.”

“That’s not true and you know it. You’re just telling yourself that because you’re scared to remember them.”

Buck shrinks away. “What if I can’t remember them? Or worse...I remember them and I have to see them see  _ me  _ like this--” he gestures to himself-- “old and deteriorating. What if they see me and see that I’m not the person I once was? What if they leave me again?”

“They never left you, Buck,” Maddie says, reaching forward to take his hand. “You just can’t see them. They never left you, and they never stopped loving you. They’re there. Closer than you think. You just have to open your eyes, Buck. See what’s right in front of you.”

“What does that even mean?”

Maddie chuckles. “You know...for someone so intelligent, you really are dumb.”

“Thanks,” Buck grumbles.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It took you both nearly four years to get your act together.” She smiles, “It feels like a blip compared to the decades we’ve all shared.”

“I want to remember it. I’m scared...but I want to remember it.”

“That’s the superhero Buck I know and love,” Maddie says and links their fingers together.

“He’s closer than you think, Buck. He’s your best friend. Your other half. You really think he’d leave you alone?”

“What do you mean?”

“He was always there beside you, Buck. From day one. Everyone could see it then, just like we can see it now. Look for him where he’s always been.”

“By my side?” Buck asks.

She nods. “Now you’re getting it.”

She smoothes her thumb across his cheek, wiping away his tears. “Now don’t make me come back down here, again.”

“I miss you, Maddie.” Buck doesn’t want her to leave. 

“I miss you too, Evan,” she says. “But I’m rooting for you. All of us are.”

His eyes start to feel heavy. He feels the darkness behind his eyelids creeping over him.

“Maddie?!” He’s scared. He’s fucking ten years old and he needs his sister.

“Don’t be afraid.” Her image is starting to fade. “And even if you are, be brave. We aren’t the Bravest Buckley’s for nothing.”

"I thought it was Badass Buckleys?"

Maddie laughs. "That too."

He grasps her hands, trying to keep her with him.

“We’ll all be together again soon. But first, you find him, Buck. You find him. Promise?” she holds her fading pinky out to him.

“I will, Maddie. I promise.” Their pinkies fade.

Buck wakes up.

He remembers Maddie’s words.  _ Look for him where he’s always been _ .

Right beside him.

*

At breakfast that morning, Eddie is missing. He looks for him everywhere. Outside by the gazebo. In the rec room, and the physical therapy room. He looks for him in the public toilets, and still can’t find that man anywhere.

Buck finds Corra, and finally asks, “Where’s Eddie gone?”

Corra looks surprised. “Oh, he didn’t tell you? His son checked him out. They’re spending the day together but Eddie said he’ll be back in the evening.”

“His son?” Buck asks, something a little like hope rising in his chest. “He was here?”

Corra nods. “Such a lovely man. He has his father’s smile.”

Buck wants to see his smile. He wants to see both of them. 

“Corra,” Buck starts. “Can you do me a favor and please let me know the moment Eddie gets back?”

She smiles. “Of course, Evan.”

He tuts at her. She laughs. “Buck.”

He squeezes her hand gently. “Thank you, dear.”

“He did leave you something though,” Corra says. She pulls a note out of her pocket. “Said to give it to you if you asked.”

Buck nearly snatches the note from her hands, but holds back and takes it graciously just because he doesn’t want to be overly eager in front of Corra.

He scuttles to his room so fast, he may as well try out for the Olympics. 

Once in the safety of his room, he takes the note and opens it.

_ Evan, _

_ Sorry for running out yesterday. I got a little bit overwhelmed and just really needed to see my son. Please don’t worry about me. It was nothing you said or did. If it had been thirty years ago, I would’ve punched a wall--or a person. I would’ve sought out some way to rage to make myself feel better because that was the only way I knew to express how I felt.  _

_ My best friend, see, he taught me how to channel my emotions into something healthier. Me and him, we used to play video games with our son and I always felt better afterwards. At first I thought it was because punching someone in a video game was like punching someone in real life, but without consequences. Instead, over the years, I learned it wasn't the video games that made me feel better. It wasn’t even the punching. It was just me, getting to spend time with my boys. It made me forget about the rage, or rather the overwhelming sadness that lingered beneath.  _

_ I didn’t want to leave you in your moment of need yesterday, but I felt so helpless that I could feel that rage boiling up. Rage at myself that I couldn’t comfort you. I couldn’t be who you needed me to be. I’m sorry I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over. I’m hoping that being with my son today will help me recenter myself. So when I see you again, I can be the man you need me to be. Who I want to be. I hope you can forgive me. And if you’d let me, I’d like to continue being by your side for as long as I can. _

_ I’ll see you soon. _

_ Eddie _

  
  


Buck was lucky he was already sitting down or he would’ve fallen.

_ I want you by my side, for as long as you’ll have me. _

_ Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? _

_ I do. _

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Buck’s mind was filled with Eddie.

A hand grasping Buck’s tie, pulling him close. A tap against Buck’s new name tag. They’re standing in Bobby’s office--no, the captain’s office. His now. His first day  _ Captain Evan Buckley _ , no longer just a firefighter, but a leader of a whole team of his own. Sweet lips pressed against Buck’s ear whispering, “You got this,  _ cap _ .”

Moving out of his loft and into a house for the first time in his life. A home, unlike any other he’d had before. It wasn’t much to move all of his stuff, he already had most of his clothes there. Their little boy was excited and bouncing off the walls. Buck suspected it was because now they had access to Buck’s gaming system at home, but warm fingers at his waist tapped out a secret message that his boys were happy because the family was finally complete. 

A wedding. Not as small as Bobby and Athena’s (everyone was still bitter about not being invited to city hall), and not as scenic as Chimney and Maddie’s (Hawaii). A small venue in LA, big enough to fit Eddie’s close family, and their friends and family within and around the LAFD and LAPD. Maddie standing behind Buck, squeezing his hand, and barely holding back tears. A little boy grown older, crutches helping him to stand straight behind his father. Not a ring bearer, and not an escort to the flower girl. He stood behind his father, his true best man. And the beautiful man in front of him, reminding Buck of the time he confided how scared he had been during his first wedding, how he never lost the pit of dread that settled into his stomach that day, and hadn’t faded until the day he realized it was alright to move on from the late mother of his child. The day he realized Buck would never leave him or their son. 

_ I told you once years ago that there was no one I trusted more with my son than you. What I didn’t realize I meant with those words, was that I trusted my heart with you. Because for most of my adult life, I never saw myself outside of being my son’s father. I thought I was the only one my son had, and that I couldn’t let anyone else in because all they would do is try to take him, or worse, that I’d let someone into our lives, and then they’d leave us. And then you came along and taught me that I could trust other people. Not just with my son, but with me too. Love was such a frivolous word to me. Who needed love when it all did was invite people to betray you? To break your heart and leave you? I loved my son and I left him. His mother loved us, but she left us too. I was so afraid for so long that you’d leave us too. Leave me. But what I didn’t know was that you feared the same. I assumed love and trust were two different things. I told myself that I couldn’t love you. That if I let myself love you, then I wouldn’t be able to trust you anymore. That I would be sealing my own fate, because anyone I loved would always leave me. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being your partner in all things, in work, in life and death, in parenting, and now in love, is that giving you my trust was how I loved you. I trusted you because I loved you, and I loved you because I trusted you. I trusted you not to leave me, just like you are trusting me to not do the same. So here’s me saying I love you, and I trust you with all of me, until the day we no longer exist. _

It swirled in Buck’s head. Words that made him cry. Vows. He just knew it. It had to be Eddie. In every thought in Buck’s mind, it was Eddie. Buck saw Eddie’s face in all of it, but was it really  _ his  _ Eddie? Buck wanted it to be him so bad, but what if he was just imagining it? What if he was just  _ wishing  _ for Eddie so hard that he was imagining a whole life with him. He’s just taking what he knows of Eddie and projecting Buck’s own wishes and fears onto him, isn’t he? 

It’s Eddie. It must be Eddie. Right?

*

Corra escorts him to dinner. Buck sits by himself at a table, waiting. Eddie said he’d be back by dinner. He would sit and wait for him until he did. 

The minutes pass. The other residents finish eating and start filing out. The sun is setting. Buck looks down at the plate on the table in front of him. Full with food that Buck hadn’t even touched. He wrings his fingers. Eddie isn’t here.

He got up slowly, his back aching and leg creaking with decades old pain. He throws his plate of food away. 

He would try and track Eddie down tomorrow, Buck resolves. It was getting late. If he wanted to get his evening walk in before it got dark, he’d have to do so soon. 

So he sets about to the outdoor walking path. There’s a small pond towards the south end of the grounds. He makes his way over that way, despite how out of the way it is. Corra knew where he liked to go. If they really needed him, they could find him. For now, he just wanted to be alone to figure out if anything in his head was real.

As he makes his way there, he looks up. The sun is almost completely set by now and the sky is a gorgeous shade of saturated purple, soft pink and vibrant red. If there was one thing Buck never got tired of seeing, it was the sunset. They were all so similar and yet there was always something new to find in the minute cirrus clouds that completely blew his mind. 

Buck’s favorite type of cloud was cirrus clouds.

_ “Serious?” Small hands buried themselves into Buck’s side, an adorable face hiding himself in Buck’s side. Mischievous giggles spilling out from behind slightly buck teeth.  _

_ “Not serious. Cirrus!” Buck laughs and squeezes him tight. _

Christopher’s favorite type of cloud was a nimbus cloud. They were the easiest to see shapes in.

Buck shakes his head. He’s imagining things. He doesn’t know what Christopher’s favorite type of cloud was. He’s never met Christopher.  __

He spots the pond and the bench that was situated right off the side of it.

There were two people sitting there, huddled together, hand in hand while they talked. A younger looking man--maybe late forties, early fifties, sitting next to a much older man. There’s a pair of crutches resting on the arm of the bench next to them.

Eddie.

Buck’s cane slips through his fingers and hits the pavement with a loud smack. 

“Christopher.”

Two heads whip his way.

“Buck.”

A tidal wave hits Buck all at once.

_ Where did all the water go? A little voice whispered into his ear, Buck remembers, soft and scared in his ear before he has the chance to scoop him up, throw him over his shoulder and sprint like his life depended on it. _

_ Buck! A terrified voice screams for him as the water sweeps them up so easily in its grasp. His name on Christopher’s lips, ringing in his ears even louder than his rushing blood. Clawing his way to the top, for air, for Christopher.  _

_ Fighting the current, fighting how hard it grasped at his ankles, tried to drag him down. Reaching for Christopher who was clutching onto a telephone pole, only to be swept right past him. Throwing his entire weight forward, almost useless in water, to try and force himself back to Christopher. Buck loses the last of his breath when Chris is entirely submerged, with only his tiny hand reaching above the water for him. He manages to yank Christopher above water.  _

_ All he could think about was that he could not let this child go underwater.  _

_ He pushes Chris onto the ladder truck. The same exact style of ladder truck that nearly ruined his life not even a year ago. For a beautiful moment amongst the chaos, Buck has Chris in his arms, kisses the top of his head, speaks with him like he would a friend, and plays I-spy like he would a son. He protects Christopher from the horrors of floating bodies. _

_ And then he tries to be the hero. Tries to save other people. But he fails the one person who truly needed him. Chris falls back in the water and Buck jumps in after him.  _

_ Buck doesn’t find him. Instead he finds Eddie and has to tell his best friend to his face that he lost the most precious person in the world to him and then-- _

_ Chris is there. He’s there and Eddie has him and Buck loses all feeling in his body other than the sheer cold wash of relief. Chris’s here. Chris is alive. Chris is back in Eddie’s arms where he belongs.  _

_ Buck passes the fuck out. _

**_And how was I to know I'm not strong. I should have saved you._ **

_ He’s at the station, cleaning the firetruck because there’s not much else for him to do and he was tired of just sitting around doing nothing. He did that for five months because of the dead weight of his leg. His phone pings with a text message. Buck pulls out his phone. It’s a message from Eddie...but it’s not from Eddie.  _

**_From Eddie:_ ** _ Bucky! Come home soon! Me and Daddy wanna watch Tarzan! _

_ Christopher.  _

_ “Careful there, Buck, you keep smiling that big you’ll break your face.” Chim quips warmly. _

_ Buck’s smile doesn’t dissipate. He types back: _

**_From Buck:_ ** _ Hi,  _ Eddie _. Yes, I will be over tonight. And I’ll bring twizzlers. Don’t tell Chris! _

_ The response isn’t immediate. Chris takes a bit more time to text, but he’s as enthusiastic as ever. _

**_From Eddie:_ ** _ No twizzlers! Get red vines! I like red vines! _

_ Buck throws his head back and laughs loud enough to hear it echoing throughout the entire fire house. He loves teasing that little man. His little man.  _

_ The couch is warm. They got a larger one when Buck moved in because between Buck and Eddie and a growing Christopher, they needed more room for all of them to spread out. Eddie liked to drag Buck’s legs up over his own. Liked to run the soft pad of his fingers along the ridges of his sock covered feet. Up over his calves where the worst of Buck’s scars remain. It tickles. Christopher likes to be blanketed by Buck’s legs. Hugs them to his chest like they’re a stuffed animal. Buck has a hard time not falling asleep when they cradle him like this. He feels surrounded by his boys. His family. He feels settled. At peace. _

_ Tarzan plays and Christopher laughs at Turk and Tantor, says he wants to go back to the zoo for the third time that month to see the elephants, and Buck tries to stop himself from crying every time  _ You’ll Be In My Heart  _ plays. His hand drifts from where it was idly laying on his stomach to Christopher’s arm. Chris leans over and snuggles into Buck’s chest, laying along his side. He can feel Christopher breathing, steady. Alive. He’s here and alive. Buck breathes a sigh of relief he hadn’t let out since the day of the tsunami.  _

_ Buck fails to keep from crying. His hand drifts to Christopher’s cheek and rubs along the soft apple of it.  _

_ Buck is so fucking thankful. He’s never been as religious as Bobby and Athena, but he feels the need to thank God. Just thank everything in the universe that allowed Chris to be safe. He even thanks the water. He thanks the ocean and he thanks the waves for not taking his little boy away. For sparring them both. For letting Chris find his way back to them in one piece. For allowing Buck the chance to get to experience this. Eddie and Christopher and Buck. A family. _

_ He looks up at Eddie, who’s watching him silently. The room is dark, the only light coming from the TV. And yet Eddie’s eyes are the brightest, glowing so softly while he gazes at Buck and Christopher. Eddie rests a hand on Buck’s leg, and the other on Christopher’s. Buck can read the look on his face. My boys. Buck belongs to them completely. Heart and soul. _

_ His boys every day of his life.  _

**_For one so small, you seem so strong._ **

_ Christopher slams the door to his room and screams in anger. Eddie’s pacing up and down the living room, absolutely seething. He nearly makes a move towards Chris’s room, ready to spark the fire of their fight even higher. Buck grabs Eddie’s arm and gives him a sharp shake of the head.  _

_ Eddie rounds on him. _

_ “We do things as a family, Buck! That was our agreement! I can’t believe he would just go behind my back like that. That he would  _ lie  _ to us about where he is and what he’s doing and nearly getting himself killed!” _

_ Buck lets go of Eddie and moves to sit silently on the couch. He hates this. He hates this because they could’ve lost Christopher today. Again. And Eddie looks like he’s ready to commit murder. _

_ “Why would he do this, Buck?” Eddie is practically tearing his hair out. “A car? Seriously? Does he have a fucking death wish? He’s a child.” _

_ Buck hates this so much. “He’s 16,” he mumbles. _

_ “He’s a  _ child! _ ” Eddie roars. “He can’t just get behind the wheel of a car and start driving like any other kid can. He could’ve died. He could’ve killed Denny, or someone else on the street! He knows better than this and yet he went and did it anyway.” _

_ “I know that,” Buck stands. “You think I’m not worried out of my fucking mind right now, Eddie? I know how easily we could’ve lost him. But we didn’t.” _

_ “He knows better than this.  _ Denny _ knows better than this. How could Hen just let them go out unsupervised?” Eddie rants, not slowing down even in the slightest. “How could she not tell us?” _

_ “They do it all the time, Eddie. You know this. Denny’s almost a year and a half older than Chris. He’s had a car for a while. That’s what kids do. They drive around, they go to the park, they go to fucking McDonalds--” _

_ “NOT our kid.” Eddie’s fist clench and unclench. His breath is coming labored and wild. “He knows better than to get behind the wheel of a car--” _

_ Eddie’s going to punch something. Buck can feel it, and he really doesn’t feel like patching up a hole in the wall right now. _

_ “We’re going to talk to him,” Buck says, moving forward and placing his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. He doesn’t grab his wrists. Doesn’t make him feel like he can’t escape. He just rubs Eddie’s neck, trying to soothe his pulse to a lower heart rate. “He’s going to be grounded for the rest of the year. He’s not going to have any video games. We’ll give him a fair punishment, but we have to calm down first.” _

_ Eddie’s still seething, but his breaths are coming in slower by a millisecond.  _

_ Buck cups his cheek, turns Eddie’s face so that he’s looking him in the eye. “I know you’re scared. And I know you’re angry and disappointed. I am too. But we have to calm down. Remember all that practice with Frank? We can’t approach Chris aggressively, even if he’s yelling and screaming at us too. He’s a teenager. We’re the adults. We’re his parents.” _

_ He strokes the soft skin under Eddie’s eyes, his thumb brushing over the groove in Eddie’s brow. _

_ Buck continues, looking into his husband’s eyes. “He’s our boy and we have to be here for him. We have to calm down and figure out why he felt the need to go out driving for the first time on his own without us. Getting into screaming matches with him is only going to make him feel the need to continue doing things like this behind our back. Whatever is going on with him, we have to show him that we’re not going to judge him, o-or hate him for mistakes he’s made. We have to show him we’re on his side no matter what. That he can come to us for anything.” _

_ Eddie’s eyes are watery. Buck can see straight into Eddie’s heart. He’s not angry. At the root of it all, he’s just a man with a guarded heart who is terrified of losing his son. Of having his entire heart crushed because of what Eddie feels is him failing to be the father Chris needs and deserves. _

_ Buck gathers Eddie into his arms and that’s when Eddie cracks. He folds into Buck’s arms like paper and lets out a noise that hurts Buck worse than a ladder truck ever could. He clutches at Buck’s biceps and his knees buckle and Buck wraps his entire body around him and lets them sink to the floor. He lets Eddie cry his heart out, and lets a few tears slip from his own eyes, and soon enough Eddie’s body starts to relax. His tears start to dry. Eddie allows Buck to navigate him to their bedroom and lets him completely lay out on the bed. Eddie’s still shaking a bit. Coming down from the rage, from the absolute fear. Buck lays his head in his lap and pets his hair, roams his fingers over his cheeks. He repeats this over and over again until Eddie falls completely asleep.  _

_ Eddie’s out cold, but Buck can’t fall asleep. Several hours later he vaguely hears the sound of crutches making their way to the kitchen, opening up the fridge and then heading back to their room. Buck grabs his phone and starts a google search. _

_ Driver’s Ed for teens with CP. _

_ He comes up with a plan. Downloads the forms they need, writes down the addresses of places that can evaluate Chris, and saves the numbers of car shops that can make car modifications in his phone. Buck then stashes his phone away and lays down, tucking his husband’s head into his shoulder before falling asleep. _

**_If we lay a strong enough foundation, we'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you and you'll blow us all away._ **

_ “Buck?” Buck hears as soon as he answers his phone. He’s standing in the locker room, having just finished his shift and getting ready to go home. _

_ “Chris?” _

_ Eddie is upstairs. He’s just starting his shift and he’s eating dinner. It’s one of those weeks where their schedules are misaligned and they just have to deal with it until the next week comes and Bobby can arrange for them to be together again. _

_ Chris doesn’t respond. Buck’s on high alert now. He shoots up and starts making his way upstairs immediately to get Eddie. _

_ “U-um, can you not get Dad please,” Chris asks softly. “Can you just please come get me?” _

_ “Where are you?” Buck asks instantly. Turning around, grabbing his bag and his keys from the locker room. “Are you hurt? If you’re hurt I need you to call 911 right now--” _

_ “I’m not hurt,” Chris says, and there’s just something he’s hiding and Buck can’t figure it out. “Can you hurry though?” _

_ Buck sprints out of the station and into his jeep. “Where are you?” _

_ “On campus.” _

_ “Okay, I’m getting in the car right now. Just hang tight, bud.” _

_ “Kay.” _

_ Buck chews on his lip the whole time, and he asks some random questions about Chris’s classes that he answers with little enthusiasm. But it keeps him talking and it keeps Buck’s anxiety from shooting through the roof.  _

_ Finally he turns into the parking lot on Chris’s college campus, pays the ridiculous fee to get a temporary parking pass, and then bolts, trying to figure out where the hell “the benches behind the art building” Chris is sitting in are.  _

_ After way too long, and getting lost at least two different times, Buck finally finds the art building. It takes him a second to figure it out, but he eventually finds Chris sitting in a secluded alcove, completely shaded by the angle of the building above him. The area’s blocked off by trees and there’s no way Buck would’ve been able to find him if Chris hadn’t been giving him step by step instructions on the phone this whole time. _

_ Chris hangs up when he sees Buck but he doesn’t stand up or make his way over, so Buck takes that as a sign to go over and sit next to him. _

_ Buck tries to let Christopher gather himself up to tell him whatever had happened, but after a whole minute passes and then another, Buck thinks he might need to intervene. _

_ “Are you okay?” he decides to ask first. That’s what’s most important. _

_ “I guess,” Chris mumbles under his breath. He avoids Buck’s eyes, fidgeting and twitching.  _

_ Buck nods. “Yeah, I guess that’s why you called me here out of the blue and gave me explicit instructions not to tell your dad--which let me tell you, is a big red flag. So.” _

_ Chris shrugs. Buck turns his whole body to look at him. Chris hasn’t been this closed off since the car incident. Buck places his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me anything specific. But I hope you feel like you can be honest with me and tell me the truth about if you’re really okay or not.” _

_ Chris hangs his head. He mumbles something else under his breath. _

_ “Say that one more time?” Buck requests.  _

_ Chris takes a heaving sigh and then repeats once more. “Melody broke up with me.” _

_ Oh. Fuck. _

_ Buck draws his son in for a much needed hug. He whispers into his hair. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t ask for a reason. Doesn’t ask for anything specific. He just holds his boy and hopes that it helps him feel even just the slightest bit better. Christopher’s arms come up slowly and wrap around Buck’s torso. They stay like that for a long moment. Neither saying anything. _

_ When Christopher finally pulls away, Buck has a hard time looking at the 20 year old man in front of him and not seeing the little boy on the pier who touched his cheek and told him “you’re gonna be okay, kid.” _

_ So that’s what Buck does. He cradles his grown son’s cheek, and repeats those famous Christopher Diaz words right back to him. _

_ A smile breaks out over Christopher’s face. It’s muted, but the appreciation is there. _

_ “Come on,” Buck says, standing up. “Let’s go get some ice cream. I think we deserve it.” _

_ Chris nods, standing up and follows him to Buck’s car. On the drive over, Buck hesitates but knows he has to ask. _

_ “Any particular reason why you didn’t want to tell your dad?”  _

_ Christopher sighs again and says, “Melody said she wanted to get married and have kids.” _

_ Buck looks over at him briefly. “And….you don’t?” _

_ Chris shakes his head, “No, I-I do. Not right now but I told her that was something I wanted in the future.” _

_ Buck’s brow furrows. “What was the problem then?” _

_ Christopher bites his lip. “She said I wasn’t understanding her. That she wanted to get married and have kids but...but not with me. She said I couldn’t be the husband or parent our kids would need because I have--” _

_ Chris cuts himself off. Buck’s hands clench around the steering wheel. He tries to remind himself that he needs to remain level-headed. For Christopher’s sake, he needs to not suddenly explode with outrage because how dare this girl do this to Chris. _

_ Chris swallows whatever it was he was going to say down and says, “I didn’t want to tell dad because I knew he would feel guilty.”  _

_ Buck's stomach sinks. "Chris…" _

_ "I know it's stupid. Nobody's at fault, but you know as well as I do that Dad always feels irrationally guilty about things like this. When shit like this happens to me." _

_ It's true. Buck can't even deny it. Eddie has a bad habit of beating himself up for everything he couldn't provide for Chris. But this? How ignorant other people are? There's nothing Eddie or Buck could do to control how other people treated Chris. It's been a hard lesson to learn for both of them. The older Chris got the harder it was to protect him from the world. _

_ And neither of them could have protected Chris from a broken heart. _

_ "I understand why you don't want to tell him," Buck starts slowly. "But you know your dad...keeping something like this from him...no matter how hard it might be for him to hear...that would hurt him more." _

_ Chris is silent for a long time. Buck lets him think through things on his own. They swing by the ice cream place, pick up two cones for them and Buck buys a carton to go for his husband. Lord knows he'll need it for whatever Christopher decides to tell him. _

_ Buck takes Christopher home. Christopher's car is in the auto shop and Eddie's truck is at the station. Buck thinks about cooking but doesn't feel like he has the energy to stand in the kitchen. He would go and get some food out but he doesn't feel like getting back in the car. He tells Chris he's going to try and take a little nap but instructs him to wake him up if he needs anything. _

_ Christopher gives him another small smile. "I know, Bucky. I'm not a little kid anymore, I don't need supervision." _

_ Buck lets that fact wash over him. He misses his little boy, but he loves the young man Chris grew into. He strides forward and wraps Chris into another hug. His son clutches onto him and Buck kisses his hair. He chuckles wetly, "Still my baby to me." _

_ Christopher ends up ordering Chinese delivery and they eat together several hours later after Buck wakes up. Christopher looks wiped, eyes red rimmed and cheeks hollow. He looks like a ghost. _

_ "Did I ever tell you about my first real relationship?" Buck asks. _

_ Chris looks up at him, chewing on his egg roll without interest. "No, I don't think so." _

_ He nods and buckles himself back in for this roller coaster. "It was about 5 months into working for the 118. Up until then I had just been wandering around, sleeping with anybody who wanted to, and striking out every time I asked someone for their number. In my head, I felt I didn't deserve a real relationship. That pretty much all I could give anyone was sex." _

_ Chris cringes, "This is so gross. I don't want to hear about my dad's sex life." _

_ Buck laughs loudly. "Yeah no one ever did. You know how mad your dad used to get when I'd bring up the Buck 1.0 days? He claims it's because it was inappropriate to talk about in the workplace but I think it's just because he was jealous and didn't want to hear about my exploits before him." _

_ Chris narrows his eyes. "What's Buck 1.0?" _

_ Buck snorts and rubs the back of his neck. It's been a while since he referred to himself like that. _

_ "Buck 1.0 was the person who went around sleeping with everyone. He was the guy I hated because he couldn't create emotional connections with anyone. He was the guy who pushed everyone away before they could get too close. Who thought that being in a relationship that went beyond physical would just open himself up to being left behind. I thought if anyone actually got to know the real me, they wouldn't want to stick around. So I never gave anyone the chance to. Until Abby." _

_ Chris nods. "I've heard that name before. I think Dad mentioned her to me only once before." _

_ Buck nods. "I don't really talk about her much. There's not much to say anymore. We're both completely different people than who we were back then. She had her mom to take care of, and I tricked myself into thinking she would be the only one who could love me like I wanted. Like I mattered…" Buck trails off. "But she didn't. The person she was when we were together wasn't the person she wanted to be. So when her mom died, she figured she had nothing to hold her back anymore and she left to travel Europe." _

_ "But…" Chris says, "She had you." _

_ Buck sighs. "Yeah. I thought so too. For months I held onto the idea of her. Thinking she still loved me. Thinking that she would come back for me. I thought that love meant never giving up on that relationship, even if that person had long given up on me. And when I realized she was never coming back...I thought it was my fault. I thought if I was just...someone else entirely, someone  _ better _ , then she would come back. That she would love me again." _

_ "I lived in her apartment for four months while she was gone. Told people were still together. Convinced myself that if I just held onto her, held on to the person I was when I was with her, then I wouldn't feel so shitty. Buck 1.0 grew into Buck 2.0 while I was with her, so I thought the only way I could continue being someone I actually liked was to delude myself into thinking she was still around. And then your dad came around and I realized that I could be the person I liked without Abby. I could form deep relationships with people without having sex with them. Hell, without even having any romantic feelings for them at all. I wasn't Buck 1.0 or Buck 2.0 I was just Buck. Always growing." _

_ "And I have you and your dad to thank for that," Buck reaches over and takes Christopher's wrist. "You two taught me what it was like to jump into the deep end, to give myself so wholly to someone, without ever losing who I was. You two taught me that who I am is someone who loves deeply, and deserves people who love me just as much. You two helped me realize that. And it never would've happened if I didn't have my heart so completely shattered by a girl I thought was my forever. By moving on from her, I gained so much more than I ever could've asked for. She hurt me, and I never got the apology I deserved, but sometimes in life you don't get the apology. You don't get the closure you think you need. Sometimes you just move on and find something better. Because Abby wasn't my person, just like Melody isn't your person. But you will find your people Chris. People who see you and love you not despite who you are, but because of who you are. That's what you and your dad taught me. And I hope you come to find that for yourself." _

**_Here I am. This is me. There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be._ **

_ Buck and Eddie laid side by side in their beds. In an empty house. The only sound had been coming from their TV but once they shut it off to go to bed, the lack of sound was resounding.  _

_ Eddie wasn't saying a word, but Buck knew he wasn't asleep.  _

_ "I can hear you thinking," Buck says in the dark. _

_ "I can't believe he doesn't live here anymore," Eddie whispers from where he was lying with his face against Buck's chest. _

_ "He lived away from us for four years while he was in school," Buck points out. _

_ "But he came home almost every other day. He stayed the night here more often than his dorms. And then he moved back in with us." _

_ "He's an engaged man now," Buck says. "He's getting married in less than six months." _

_ Eddie's hand curls around Buck's wrist. "I know...I understand why...it's just--" he sighs. "I never thought the day would actually come when this wouldn't be Chris's home anymore." _

_ "You're his home, Eddie. It doesn't matter where he lives the majority of the time. You're not losing him just because he lives in an apartment with his fiance across town." _

_ Eddie curls in closer to Buck's side and they bury their faces in each other's necks.  _

_ "I just miss him." Eddie whispers. _

_ Buck fights back the lump in his throat. He blinks away tears by forcing himself to shut his eyes tight.  _

_ "Me too." _

**_And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you._ **

_ Eddie and Buck are pacing back and forth in the hospital hallway. Maddie pats Buck’s arm. _

_ “Evan, come on, let’s just take a seat and wait. They should be almost done.” _

_ “What if something happens?” Buck asks. “She’s been in there for over 12 hours. Average labor is only supposed to be between six and twelve hours. Something must be wrong.” _

_ “Shannon was in labor for six hours, but because of complications her labor was extended longer and Chris wasn’t born until 15 hours after she first went into labor,” Eddie supplies under his breath. _

_ “15 hours?!” Buck exclaims. “We’re already at 13 and a half, do you think something happened?" Buck asks Eddie. “Maddie, the longest you’ve ever been in labor was nine hours.” _

_ “Evan--” Maddie interjects. _

_ “I don’t know!” Eddie throws up his hands. “I texted Chris but he hasn’t responded in the last hour. None of the nurses will give me updates.” _

_ “Okay, that’s enough,” Athena walks up to the pair of them. “I’m gonna need you two buffoons to take a seat and eat a sandwich before one of you has a stroke. Your son does  _ not  _ need you crapping out on him right now. Not when his daughter’s about to be born. So sit down right here, and breathe.” _

_ Buck lets Athena drag him down into the hospital chair and soon Eddie is being shoved down next to him. Bobby walks around the corner with the food and sets it down in front of them.  _

_ Buck’s knee is bouncing up a rhythm no dancer could follow. Maddie sits beside Buck, texting Chim who had been sent out to get them a change of clothes in case they needed to stay longer. _

_ Eddie takes one look at the food and says, “I can’t. I feel nauseous. I need to be ready the second Chris--” _

_ “Diaz-Buckley family?” A nurse calls out. _

_ Eddie and Buck shoot out of their chairs so fast, Eddie would’ve knocked his coffee to the ground if Bobby hadn’t caught it. _

_ The nurse smiles. “They’re ready for a couple of visitors.” _

_ Maddie squeezes Buck’s shoulder and pushes him forward. Eddie clasps Buck’s hand, weaving their fingers together as they follow the nurse.  _

_ Just before they’re about to enter the room, Buck stops Eddie from turning the doorknob. “Wait, wait.” _

_ Eddie turns to him, his other hand slipping away from the door and into Buck’s free hand. “What’s wrong?” _

_ Buck is breathing hard, his hands shaking. “I’m sorry...I don’t know why I’m freaking out. I didn’t freak out this bad when Carly or Kevin were born, I’m just…” _

_ Eddie squeezes his hand and rubs his thumb softly along the ridge of his wrist. He smiles. “It’s different when it’s your grandbaby.” _

_ Buck nods, forcing himself to take deep breaths. “D-Do you think we’ll be good grandparents?” _

_ Eddie’s eyes look far away. Like he’s remembering something he’d rather not. Buck wonders if he was thinking about his own parents, and what it was like when Chris was born. _

_ “We will be,” Eddie says firmly. His hand slips up Buck’s arm. “We will because we will always be there for Chris. To support him as a father. Because that’s our baby’s baby in there, and he needs us to be all in.” _

_ Buck surges forward and kisses his husband of twenty five years, letting the warmth that is Eddie wash over his entire body. Eddie leans into him, taking him whole in his arms. _

_ When he finally pulls away, Buck leans his forward against Eddie’s and says, “I will always be all in for my family.” _

_ Eddie and Buck make their way inside and the first thing they see is the smiling face of their son holding onto the teeniest tiny little lady Buck has ever seen. _

_ Buck’s already on the verge of tears, one escaping down his cheek as he desperately tries to swipe it away without anyone realizing it. _

_ They make their way over to their babies and sit down on opposite sides of Christopher.  _

_ Chris looks between Eddie and Buck and says, “Here she is.” _

_ Eddie blinks away his own tears, sticking his finger in to run softly over the blanket wrapped around his granddaughter’s belly. “She’s beautiful.” _

_ Sarah grabs hold of Christopher’s hand from where she laid on the hospital bed and laughs, “And Daddy here cut the umbilical cord.” _

_ Christopher laughs at Eddie’s blushing face. “Wasn’t even squeamish at all.” _

_ Buck runs a hand through Christopher’s hair, while at the same time patting a hand against Sarah’s. “We’re so proud of you both.” _

_ Sarah smiles gratefully at him. Buck really was thankful for her. Coming into Chris’s life and loving him and their family. Helping to bring this gorgeous baby girl into the world. _

_ Christopher nudges Buck with his shoulder. “Guess what we named her?” _

_ Eddie laughs. “We’ve been trying to guess what you two were going to name her for so long, can you please just let us in on it now.” _

_ Christopher shares a secret smile with Sarah before she says, “Everyone, meet Evangeline Isabel Diaz-Buckley. Evie for short.” _

_ It takes Buck a minute to process it. “Evie...what?” _

_ “She’s named after her great great grandmother, Isabel Diaz” Christopher explains, “and for her grandfather. The one and only Evan Buckley.” _

_ Buck takes one look at his granddaughter and up at Christopher and Eddie, sitting there together smiling at him with tears in their eyes and fully loses it. _

_ Eddie is up and out of his chair instantly, coming around to Buck’s side and wrapping his arms around him. “Hey, it’s alright. You’re alright, baby.” _

_ “Oh Buck,” Sarah’s voice wobbles as she places a hand on Buck’s arm, squeezing sympathetically.  _

_ Buck can’t seem to stop the tears. He hiccups embarrassingly and he tries to calm himself down but nothing is working.  _

_ Christopher taps Eddie on the shoulder. “Dad, can you take Evie for a second?” _

_ Eddie breaks away from Buck to carefully swap his granddaughter from Chris’s arms to his own. Chris stands up, grabbing his crutch before latching onto Buck’s arm and pulling him towards the door.  _

_ Eddie sits down in Christopher’s chair and looks deep into his granddaughter’s face. He grabs Sarah’s hand and brings it to his lips. “I’m so glad you’re both okay.” _

_ That’s the last thing Buck hears before Christopher closes the door to Sarah’s delivery room. Buck still hasn’t calmed down, the tears still free-falling down his cheeks. _

_ “Y-You didn’t have to d-do that for me,” Buck hiccups, hating himself a little for how he can’t even pull himself together. “You c-could’ve named her anything and I would’ve been h-happy.” _

_ Christopher grabs hold of Buck’s hand. “I know. But Sarah and I wanted to name her after you.” _

_ And that’s the thing Buck couldn’t wrap his head around. Why him? Why not after any of the other amazing people in his life? Why not after Eddie? _

_ “We named her after you, because I wanted her to carry a piece of you always,” Christopher says. “I want her to always remember her grandfather, and how much he loved us. And because I wanted you to know that she is every bit your granddaughter as you are my father.” _

_ Buck pulls Christopher in to his chest, wrapping his arms around the kid he loves the most in the entire fucking world...well, next to his new grandbaby girl. _

_ “I love you so so much, kid,” he whispers into Christopher’s hair. “Forever.” _

_ Christopher laughs, but Buck can hear the hitch of tears in his voice too. “I love you too, Bucky. I love you too.” _

_ Chris pulls back and moves to open the door. “Are you ready to go hold your granddaughter?” _

**_You’ll be here in my heart, always._ **

Christopher is standing right in front of him. No longer the little boy in his dreams nor the young man of his memories. He’s here. Whole, and alive and grown. A man with a family of his own. 

It’s like coming home.

Christopher whispers his name, almost like he can’t believe who is standing right in front of him.

“B-Bucky…?”

And Buck never was good at holding back his tears when it came to his little boy. 

With a shout of his name, Buck throws his arms around his son and clutches him to his chest like he’s afraid at any second the boy will turn to dust and scatter into the winds. Lost to Buck forever.

“Buck!” Christopher cries. His voice cracks. He’s shaking. “Bucky, you remember me?”

Buck can do nothing but sob and rock his boy in his arms. He says his name over and over, kisses his hair, strokes his ears, squeezes his shoulders.

He forgot his son. How in the world could he forget his own fucking son?

His tears are angry now, so bitter with rage towards himself. How could Chris ever forgive him? “I’m sorry,” Buck chants. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

This is his son. This is his  _ son _ and Eddie--Buck looks over at Eddie who looks so scared and so hopeful and his crying himself.

Eddie.  _ Oh god.  _

Buck can’t let go of Chris. He just physically can’t let go of Chris. But Eddie is walking towards them. And he looks so much like the man Buck loves. He is the man Buck loves. 

He’s so close now. His husband. His  _ person _ . Just within an inch of him. 

Buck can make out every line on Eddie’s face. Every wrinkle he memorized, and every anecdote behind it. The laugh lines from the years they spent making each other smile. The frown lines from the fights and from the makeups. Every second they spent together all there written on Eddie’s face.

Christopher pulls back, but only far enough away that he can turn and reach out to grab Eddie’s hand and guide him forward. Eddie stands right in front of him. An old man. And their son stands right between them. They’ve all grown, but they’re still the same. The Buckley-Diaz family. 

Whole at last.

“ _ Help! _ ” a voice from behind them cries out. 

Buck and Eddie immediately snap into action. Together, they run as fast as they can, following the increasingly shrill cries for help. And then they reach the edge of the walking path, where there’s a dip in the grass, a small hill. The trees to a wooden grove lay just beyond it. And at the foot of the hill, with her back pressed against the tree, is a woman.

“Chris, call 911!” Eddie shouts before turning back to Buck. They nod at each other, knowing instantly what they had to do.

Buck and Eddie clutch hands, using each other for balance as they slowly make their way down the hill.

Once they reach the bottom, their decades of firefighter training kick in.

Eddie puts his fingers to her pulse, checking his vitals. 

“Ma’am, can you tell me your name?” Buck asks.

“M-Maggie,” the old woman tells them. 

“Okay, Maggie, my name is Eddie Diaz,” Eddie starts. “And this is my partner Evan Buckley. We’re both firefighters with the LAFD. I’m a medic. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I was--I was walking along the path and I s-slipped and fell down the hill. I think I hit my head on the tree and I passed out. I only woke up just a minute ago.”

“No severe neck injuries,” Eddie tells Buck. “Her arms and feet are still moving, so no spinal injuries as well. Can you help me sit her up?”

They move to sit the woman up right and she cries out in pain. “My hip--”

“Okay, Maggie, I’m going to need you to hang tight, okay? The ambulance is on it’s way and should be here any second. 

The woman starts to pass out again, and Eddie checks her pulse again. “She’s not breathing.”

“Shit.”

They lay her flat on the ground again and Buck instantly gets to work with compressions. Eddie gives her mouth to mouth, and continually checks her pulse. In the distance, they hear sirens pulling up and Christopher shouting directions and pointing them in the right direction.

“I’ve got a pulse!” Eddie shouts. The woman sucks in a sharp breath and Buck pulls back. He and Eddie get out of the way of the younger paramedics and let them go about the same procedure as they did and come to the exact same conclusion. They load the old woman onto a stretcher and into the ambulance.

A man in familiar turn out gear and the word  _ Captain  _ written across the breast turns to them.

“You two saved her life,” he says, impressed. “You make a great team.”

Buck and Eddie turn to each other with equally large grins on their faces. Buck reaches across the distance and takes Eddie’s hand. His partner in everything. 

“Of course they do!” Christopher exclaims. “My dads are two of the best firefighters the LAFD has ever had!”

After the fire trucks leave, Christopher goes back inside to arrange with the front office of the home to check Buck out for the night. To take him home. Apparently Chris and Eddie were listed on all his forms, Buck was just too blind to see all the traces of them everywhere he looked.

Buck and Eddie are still standing outside. Under the cover of the darkness, with just the stars and the lights from inside to illuminate their faces.

“You’re a badass under pressure,” Eddie says with a smile. His eyes alight with the love for the man standing in front of him. 

Buck’s heart swells so large he worries it might burst completely from his chest. He feels the tears start to form in his eyes yet again, the adrenaline from earlier washing out of him.

Eddie steps forward and cups Buck’s cheeks. Buck’s arms instantly find their way around Eddie’s torso. Fitting into the grooves of Eddie’s skin, into the indents that his body had made from years of repetition. 

Eddie’s face is so close, and he’s crying fully now, not even bothering to hide his emotions from Buck. Not from his husband. Not anymore.

“You can have my back any day,” Eddie manages to choke out. 

Buck’s crying just as hard now. But he’s smiling just as wide when he says, “Yeah, or you can have mine.”

Finally, Buck can’t handle it anymore and he surges forward, capturing Eddie’s lips like he had been wanting to this whole entire time. 

Everything in between comes flooding back as Eddie’s lips press warmly into his. Every little memory. Some clearer than others, but all there. 

Watching Maddie’s daughter together for the first time. Hearing baby Carly crawling around, babbling for her “Unca Buba!” Chasing after her and Eddie claiming he already changed enough diapers for a lifetime and it was Buck’s turn to learn the pain. Eddie laughing his ass off at him when Carly peed on Buck before he managed to wrangle the diaper onto her. Eddie rocking her to sleep while Buck went to change his shirt. Sitting together at the foot of Buck’s couch with Carly asleep in her playpen in front of them. Them whispering together when Carly’s head shoots up with a startled “uh?!”, looking straight at them, Buck and Eddie seized with fear, before her eyes rolled back into her head, and she plops down into undisturbed baby sleep once more. 

The two of them bursting into uncontrollable laughter, only made worse because they couldn’t make a sound. So they sat there, wheezing, tears streaming down their faces, unable to breath. Eddie falls over onto Buck’s shoulder, and Buck squeezes Eddie’s waist. Somehow they manage to calm down, but the giggles still remain on their lips. And Eddie’s eyes lock with Buck’s. Neither of them know who moves first, but in the next moment the two of them are locked in a sweet and heavy kiss. Their first kiss. Time slows down, and all Buck can feel is Eddie everywhere. He feels like he’s weightless, drifting off into the air like a balloon. 

This time doesn’t feel like the first time. There’s no worry that they were about to push the other away, lose them altogether. There’s no fear of telling their captain, of being torn apart, being unable to be partners in work, just as they were partners in life. There’s no terror of how they would tell Chris, if he would accept them together, wondering if they could possibly ever build a family together.

There’s no fear of the future, because they have already lived it. They lived the life Buck had always feared he’d never had. He had his husband and his son. He had his sister and Bobby and Athena, his parents in any way that mattered. He had his entire family in the 118. He’d lost many of them along the way, but never in the way that mattered. 

He wouldn’t die alone. Because he never was alone. He had his family with him every step of the way. Through the ups and the downs. Through the remembering and the forgetting. Buck was never alone. He held them all inside him, within his heart where even if he forgot their names or their faces, he never forgot how they made him feel.

And he has Eddie and Chris here with him now. 

Complete. Buck feels complete.

Eddie pulls back to kiss him again, murmuring “I love you” and “I missed you” all the while. 

Neither of them notice Christopher looking on, watching his fathers finally find each other again, as they had years ago when he was younger, and like they’d done every day for years. Nurse Corra stands next to Christopher, smiling at the picture in front of them.

Chris turns to her and says, “That’s love.”

*

Buck is home. He’s in their family home for the night. Christopher is sleeping in his old room for the night, watching over his father’s in case they need him. It finally was his turn to pay them back for how they took care of him.

Buck and Eddie lie together in their bed, arms wrapped around each other, faces buried in the other’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” Buck breathes into Eddie’s skin, kissing his soft pulse. 

“You have absolutely no need to apologize, Evan,” Eddie replies in an instant. “I told you the day we decided to try to make this relationship work that I didn’t know if I would always do right by you. I told you I would make mistakes. Fuck up royally from time to time. Hurt your feelings. Hide my own feelings from you. But I also told you I would--”

“Always fight to come home to your family,” Buck finishes for him. “You said I was your family.”

“You are,” Eddie says, kissing Buck’s cheek. “You’ve been it for me from the first day you had the absolute balls to tell me I was your problem. I decided that day, even if I didn’t realize it until years later, that you would always be my problem too.”

Buck giggles, kissing Eddie’s shoulder. “How do you always manage to make that sound both insulting and romantic at the same time?”

Eddie squeezes Buck tight to him. “It’s a gift. I’ve perfected it over the years.”

“Thank you for fighting for me,” Buck says, pulling back to look into Eddie’s eyes. In that moment, in the darkness, all Buck can see is the shine of Eddie’s eyes. Entirely ageless. For a moment, he didn’t feel eighty, he didn’t feel thirty. He just felt here. With Eddie. 

“I would do it again,” Eddie said. “I’ll do it as many times as I have to. If you forget me again.” The  _ when  _ in there is barely registered. “I’ll fight for you till the day I die.”

Buck feels all cried out, but lets himself blink one more tear away at Eddie’s healing words.

"So will I.”

  
  
  


Epilogue:

Christopher remembers a story his Bucky told him once. 

The story of a 911 call he and his dad responded to once, within their first year working together. It was two old men, and one of them had been hurt. They hadn’t been able to save him. So Buck sat with the man’s husband, listening to the story of their life together. Their entire love story, sparing no details. It was long, and epic. Decades of loving, of growing together. Only to have it cut short right before the finish line.

But as Grandpa Bobby once told Buck, when you love someone, you step inside with them. Wherever they are, instead of trying to pull them out, keep them company inside.

And that’s what that man did. When his husband died, he leaned down over his body, and released his soul into the universe, letting himself join together in spirit with his other half. Finally at rest, finally at peace. 

That’s the story Christopher remembers when, just a few short years later, he lets himself into his parents house and finds that the kitchen is empty, neither of them up to make breakfast. Neither of them sipping coffee or reading the news.

When he goes to their bedroom and knocks, only for there to be no answer. When he opens the door, the room is silent, but the sunlight is shining in through the bedroom window, golden particles lit up in the air, swirling in incomprehensible patterns above his dad’s bed. And resting there, is his dad and his Bucky, arms locked around each other, faces tucked together, legs intertwined. 

They chose to go together, rather than apart. They promised each other they’d never leave each other and they kept that promise. They ended this life together, and moved onto the next one hand in hand. Partners in life and partners in death.

And there they waited, for however long it took, until their little boy could finally join them and complete their family once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all doing okay? 
> 
> Can 2021 get here faster please?
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> Song lyrics used/referenced in this story:  
> Whatta Man- Salt-N-Peppa  
> Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls- TLC  
> Forest Fire- Brighton  
> You'll Be In My Heart- Phil Collins  
> Dear Theodosia- Hamilton Original Soundtrack  
> Here I Am- Bryan Adams  
> My Wish- Rascal Flatts  
> Landslide- Dixie Chicks version (Title)


End file.
